Sharing is Caring!

I just bought a travel toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, and baby wipes. My thong is packed in my bag. After some quick some quick research during my commute into work, I've just called a hotel to check their hourly rates. (By the way, you'd be quite surprised how many hotels in the city have hourly rates.. even the Waldorf.) I either sound like a hooker, or an adulteress, but I'm neither...

I email him good morning and let him know of my findings. He later emailed me and plans are set!
He's not Mr. Six (my husband), he's Kirk.

Yet, like I said, I'm not having an affair, Mr. Six  knows of it and he may be more excited than I am... lol...  Sharing me is something we've talked and fantasized a lot about for a couple of years now. Tonight, it's probably going to happen. 

I have so many emotions... I'm excited, this is really exciting, fun and something so new for us, our sex life. I hope we both enjoy it. I'm nervous, who wouldn't be? It's probably going to be a little weird not being with Mr. Six. Yet I am the girl who loves to fuck - so I'm sure the nervousness with go away.  I wonder if I'll be into Kirk..  Kirk and I had a thing years ago, I never wrote about him. He was my Dom, we had seen each other for about 8-9 months, when he was at the point of actually molding me into that he wanted I had ended it. He had a girlfriend and I was looking for something more - knowing he wasn't an option I decided to move on.
Well, we've kept in touch on and off through the years, I knew he was a good starting point. I trust him, feel safe with him and we've had fun before. Mr. Six is happy as well and trusts him.

So here we are, only hours away and I've already got butterflies.

Sugar Scrub for One Please.

It's Friday, the end of an extremely long and trying week. Mr. (wonderful) Six and I have been fighting for the last few days. I think it might be one of our biggest arguments to date. I was/still am mad at him for reasons that I won't go into. He was fully at fault and it's pretty serious. I've been working late at the office to avoid him, when home I've barely spoken nor looked at him and worst of all, sleeping alone in our bed, while he slept on the couch. Then finally today he calls me at work to fix this or attempt to fix it. I'm happy because the fighting was getting to me! I need my husband, I need to snuggle and touch and fuck.

All I could think about on my way home was him touching me, it's been 3 days too long. His hands on my hips, my legs, my tits... His kiss, I miss him kissing me. 
I knew I would be home before him sooooo.... I went into my routine. Showered, sugar scrubbed, shaved everything - yes everything ;)  Lotioned, blew dry my hair, threw a little blush on, some lip gloss and waited for him to get home...

He did nothing. He does have to be up early, and I did annoy him with something he didn't do.. but still.. We made up and I needed him to really make up and make it up to me. What an idiot....

So here I am alone and deliciously bathed... I'm off to bed, I hope he realizes his ginormous mistake tomorrow!

Introducing...

Mr. Six, that's him - my Husband.
No, "six" is not representative of this length, he wanted me to make that clear. As he's quite proud of his cock (yea I'll give it to him, it's a nice one!!)

Anyhow, we met unconventionally, yet for me it was quite conventional! It was at a place online, where people have the same sort of sexual interests. I wouldn't say-"Never, would I have imagined marrying someone from there". It was more like I had secretly hoped I would meet the male version of myself - a normal person of society, good family, good job with extra kinky/dirty interests.

And I did!
It wasn't exactly a talk~ meet~ date~fall in love romance.
It was more like a
talk~talk~talk~.........................guy disappears..................... ~5 months later~talk~talk~meet~date~fall in love.

I gave him a second chance after disappearing on me  - and good thing I did!

Did I play hard to get? - Not really. Did I wait that certain amount of time a girl should before sleeping with him? Did I ever?? (well.. once in a while). But not with Mr. Six, the attraction - the charge, it was there!

We dated for about a year and a half then he proposed  *swoon*. I never actually believed I would marry someone who could sexually fulfill me as I needed to be. I knew I would eventually get over Morgan. I knew I would find a man that has great redeeming qualities - sweet, trustful, honest, handsome, caring, funny, etc... (in no specific order there)  But with my D/s aspect?!?!  He is all of it.

Mr. Six; he's always funny, has bouts of moodiness, and his sweetness is always hanging around, in the bedroom; the Dominant I need ~ usually. We do have great vanilla sex as well. He's smart, caring loves animals, at times serious, he has a military background which like many of our soldiers, has left him slightly fucked up. He's made a lot of sacrifices to be with me, he cherishes me and says no one has ever loved him as much as I do.
After our third date; he jumped feet first into my life. What was important to me, became important to him and no one I have ever been with had done that so quickly. They all tip-toed around and needed time. But not Mr. Six, he was immersed in my life and I was never happier and still am.

We have an interesting marriage. It's fun, tough, really tough at times, silly, hot ~ so fucking hot. Everything is passionate with us. Our talks, our fights (yea, we're each very passionate about our own arguments), and of course our sex.

We go through ups and downs with sex, I guess everyone does, right?  Maybe it's not so much ups and downs, more like Hot/Warm/Luke Warm. Lately, we're on fire! It's like we're dating again. We spent the past weekend forgetting about laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming, and just fucked. Fucked all weekend long. In the shower, over the couch, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, and over and over again. It was so often that by Sunday afternoon my poor little pussy was sore... but that didn't stop us.

Something Finally Gave

I can't believe how much my life has changed - and then again I can. I knew eventually I'd get my career back, I knew I'd eventually fall in love and he'd fall in love with me, and I hoped and hoped that someday I'd get married, and then I eventually did!

The last few years of my life have been the epitome of bittersweet, but mostly sweet.
The loss of my career was just so bitter, the feelings I have for my ex bosses still linger in their bitterness - ha. The new position I took, well it had quickly made me bitter too. Yet, I wanted to stay in my field and I did, I took the job that I previously wrote about - and no it's not as horrible as I thought it would be. I'm often frustrated and I was correct in saying that there would be no upward mobility, but it seems that they are appreciative of me.

Now as for the sweetness, it has been sweeter than anything I've ever tasted. I met my soul mate, we fell madly in love, we have awesome, kinky, fun sex that keeps me on my toes, we have the best of times together and we work through the rough times together. I'm excited and happy and love to say that I'm his wife, his best friend, and quite importantly I'm also his slut.

I've missed writing, but life is crazy and to be honest I didn't have the yearning for it. Lately, I've felt it, that need, the yearning, that urge calling out to me and I hope it continues. I love writing, it's releases so much in me, airs out feelings and allows me to be honest if not only with myself but with my readers. I didn't begin this blog with the intention of having reader/followers... but slowly that built up. I appreciated every comment that I received. I truly enjoyed my readers. Throughout the time of my absence I've had some readers request that I keep writing and often told me how much they love my blog. Well, should you still be around I would be the lucky one to receive your comments/opinions, or simply a hello.  This will be the first entry of more to come.




 

In times like these

It's about to happen, I can feel it. I'm about to take a job that will put me back into that miserable place I had been in about 4-5 years ago.

I had vowed never, NEVER, to work for a company like that one again. I hated it with all I had in me. As I sat in the interview, talking and asking questions, the misery crept up slowly into my body. Bad enough the position would be a HUGE step backwards, to make matters worse there seems to be no upward mobility. The owners, they were identical to whom I had worked for yet about 30 years younger. But, we're in a recession, I'm mostly unemployed, what can I do? Can I really say no to a job offer? I want to cry - I have a feeling of disgust deep in me, I know I'll have to take this job.

As most of you know (if any of you are still checking in), this blog isn't about my job, it's about my sexual adventures and love life. Yet life gets thrown at you and I need to vent! Meanwhile, come to think of it I had started blogging when I worked at that first miserable job, I guess something good may come out of this....

Meanwhile, my life has drastically changed since my last post. In December, with thousands of other people, I was layed off. It had been a complete surprise for me and a very heartbreaking one. My career was my life, I breathed it, I loved it to no end. I suffered immensely (and still do) from the loss of my career, not only monetarily yet mentally as well. Almost every night I dreamt (and still do) of my office, my co-workers, I had dreams (and still do) of my workday! Each morning I awoke I had wished this was all one bad dream... but it wasn't. I was stuck at home, so I began my job hunt immediately.
Its been 10 months now, I've applied to over 50 positions, the number of interviews I've had could be counted on one hand - Pathetic.
I have good weeks and bad ones. Bad ones where I second guess myself and just how good I am at what I do. But overall I stay pretty positive, I know somethings gotta give - and it will - eventually.

Much more has changed in my life; With the loss of my career I've obtained, 2 new jobs (jobs as in the sense a-way-to-pay-rent), and something else, something very special. A boyfriend, not just a boyfriend... he's an amazingly wonderful man.

There's much more to write about and hopefully I will. Yet, no promises here. I haven't been inspired to write for so long now... We shall see.

Stupid girl

Never have I done something so completely idiotic.

I'm so very careful, painstakingly careful and I'm embarrassed and ashamed with what I did...

Last night I get imed by a guy that I've spoken with a few times. He's interested in D/s just like myself... It's a little before 3am when we begin talking, he asks if I'm free on Sat. night, I'm unsure (because I may want to keep my night open also I don't feel as though I know him well enough). We continue chatting and soon learn that we have a number of things in common including our religion, where we went to school, how our interest in D/s evolved, etc... Of course NOW I'm more interested and curious about him, we quickly move our conversation to the phone.
We go on chatting about work, friends, all that getting to know you stuff. He then proposes the idea that we meet in about an hour or so - hey it's something fun, take a chance! Blah Blah Blah... I decide to go for it.
A while later I find myself driving into the city at 4am, I speak to him, he's a tad annoyed that I'm running late, he tells me the plan of where to meet him, he'll meet me there, we'll say hi - if I'm unsure I can go, if not he'll blindfold me and take me to his apartment. All I could think of is - oooh yay, fun!



Something's wrong, and the one person i can talk to isn't home..
8:01am
I've never done something this fucking dumb in my life
8:02am
i'm at my office right now, i can't concentrate
8:02am
i'm trying to just write, it's what I do best sometimes
8:02am
it's not helping

i'm shaking, and honestly i could cry
8:03am
i'm terribly embarrassed and don't want to tell you

Here goes
8:15am
i met a guy, he blindfolded me and walked me to his apartment, i thought it was a fun idea.. he had me bound, gagged, and blindfolded, he played with me, checked in with me to see if i were ok during the play, i even think he wore a finger condom when he was touching me
8:15am
... he fucked me
8:16am
when it was time to go, he blindfolded me again, saying the night wasn't over and there was a surprise..
8:16am
never have a been more dumb.
8:17am
he got a cab, made a single stop, then another stop - to my car, that was the surprise, my fucking car.... He had me keep the blindfold on all the way to my car, we said goodbye, he kissed my cheek
8:17am
I got in my car and it all hit me - i don't have his number, nor address, nor full name, for all i know he didn't use a condom.
8:18am
I sit in my car and stare straight ahead for maybe 20 mins, i'm shaking, and have no one to tell this to
8:19am
i finally pull it together, i try to email him but all i have is his aim name...
i pull out of the parking space and go get the morning after pill to be safe..
8:20am
We didn't discuss what was and was not allowed - what is WRONG with me??!!!
8:21am
but to give him the benefit.. he asked me if certain things were ok before doing them, if i shook my head no, he didn't do it

i've truly never been this dumb
8:22am
it's not like me
i've gotten over eager and sloppy
8:22am
i always follow my rules - why did i break them!!!???
i'm never impulsive - what the fuck is wrong with me?

8:39am
i still have the rope tied to one of my wrists - i'm at the office, i came straight here
8:42am
i've been here since 7:30am, it's so tight
8:46am
i feel like i deserve it to be there
8:46am
i deserve to have to lie to everyone about it when they ask me
8:53am
the office is starting to fill, i won't be able to concentrate
i feel like i need to throw up, i can't sit here all day...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well that was my first-hand, raw, as real as real could be reaction to what happened that morning. I later spoke to my friend, he had told me I was probably taped. Naturally, I freaked out again. I went through so much that day, that night, that week. I felt horrible, I couldn't believe what I had done, the situation I put myself into. The guy finally responded to me and said he used a condom. To get him to talk to me I had to pretend that I was into it all, that I wanted it again. He didn't want to see me again. Who knows if I was taped, I hope and wish with all of me that I wasn't.

It's now two month later - -
I wasn't hurt, I wasn't pregnant, and hopefully I wasn't recorded that morning.

A vicious circle?

I can't sleep and the urge to write is just so strong. It's 3am, I need to get to sleep, yet I'm not about to let myself open my laptop, I know I'd be up writing for another hour. Instead I'm underneath my blanket typing this out on my blackberry....

I'm stuck with men, what the hell am I doing?!
Am I confused? Or is it that once I find "the one" I'll stop falling backwards in the arms of past lovers?

Morgan...I truly thought I was over him, was I simply fooling myself? He doesn't even fit into my life - what is wrong with me?!!?! Yet, I so badly miss his arms around me at night, it's been such a long time I don't remember what his kisses feel like. I miss our nights hanging out in bed, talking and watching the Simpsons or nights he'd find some silly reason to put in a porno.
He still lives far away, yet we've stayed close. We had a falling out, got back together - that happened about 2 or 3 times, in the past 2 years.
He's currently seeing someone, they're not serious. Guess what?! I just saw her too- damn these myspace/facebook kinda websites, well at least I now know I'm prettier...
Anyhow we're seeing each other in about a week. I wonder what it'll be like, will I feel the same or will I see there's nothing for us left in this long drawn out messy thing that I barely can call a relationship.

Take me Away from me.

I'm feeling masochistic, which isnt entirely like me.
I want to thrown around, used, hurt, spanked (beaten) till I cry and cry hard.

I don't want to feel like me, I want to be taken away from my thoughts, my issues, my desire for a strong man's shoulder to cry on, lean on. One who cares for me, who would put his hand through my hair while I vented. I want to be taken away from my parents ominous marriage and impending divorce. Away from all of my friends engagements and upcoming weddings, away from the hurtful heartbreaks, away from the roommates with consistent bouncing checks and supporting lies.

I just want to come home and leave it all behind, rather than it all just digging deeper into me through dinner, laundry, errands, even while watching tv. It's all there; on my shoulders and screaming into my ears.

I can't fix much of it, I just want to forget it, if only for a little while. If it's only to focus on the the ice slipping into my cunt, or the cock thrusting into my mouth, and the belt repetitively cracking against my ass then that would be quite fine.

A new year

I hate that I don't write. It's therapeutic, it helps me sort my life.
Not that lately I need any sorting, it's been pretty quiet, almost dull and practically boring.

I've attempted dating more often but I have pretty bad luck...
I had a tentative date set up with a guy, (I was pretty excited) he ends up disappearing for a week or so - ok, life happens. He later on catches up with me only to confess that he has a girlfriend. Another guy lied about his age - that was a lovely evening to say the least. It's not that I have bad luck, it's that dating is hard and I believe it's even harder in NYC.
I read an article recently, in the UK there are 4,135,000 single men and 3,667,000single women. Can you believe that?! I'm not sure what the numbers are here in NYC, but I know we are no where close to that nice little ratio.
Truth me told, I'd love to move to the UK, I've thought about for a few years now, this only helps the cause!

Moving along to what you're all interested in...
My sex life has been ehhh. I have another post half written about a new venture - but I'll leave you waiting in suspense for that one.

These last few months I've been spending more time with BFWB, he recently broke up with his GF, and now has his own place. We have a lot of fun together, but nothing steamy to write about... Maybe something soon.

Morgan.. Ahh what can I say about him. He's still around, but I don't know whats going on. I don't expect much from him any longer, I think he came up too little too late. Sad, I feel like I've been through the wringer with him, I loved him and cared about him so much and if you ask me - he fucked it all up. Now he shows so much interest it's just that I'm not sure if there's anything left.

The Suit, another one that lingers. It's exactly that - lingering. But there's more to him that meets the eye and he ties in that half written post. So I won't say anymore till then.

I'm tired and signing off - goodnight all.

- Joey Madison

Beauty Squared

I just finished reading a great trilogy:

The Trilogy of Sleeping Beauty by A. N. Roquelaure, Ann Rice
- The Claiming of Beauty
- Beauty's Punishment
- Beauty's Release

This may sound weird to some, but after I finish a book, a truly great book, I miss the characters. The book could have an amazingly beautiful or tragic ending, and I could be very content with the ending but inevitably I will miss the characters.

I've followed these characters through three books, I just wish the books would continue...I know it's a bit silly.

Anyway please feel free to check these books out - I wouldn't recommend them to my family or friends, but to some of my readers I definitely would. Just be careful where you read them as well. The books are quite descriptive, and many times commuting on the train I tried to hide the pages from being seen (unless I wanted the man next to me to see it!), and many times on the train I became pretty turned on!!

Months of Hell

I haven't written since April for few good reasons. Unfortunately I can't really divulge these reasons to you. Mostly, I've hit another bump. This is a big one, and has completely affected every day of my life and just about every aspect of my day. Yet, it has also opened my eyes, a few things have changed for the better. It's been a slow process getting over this giant bump and I'm not quite there yet, it'll be all be over in a few months.

A quick small update:

Morgan - Is still 4 hours away from me. We've had a thousand ups and downs, and I don't really know where and how it's going.

TYD - About a year ago (feels like only months) we had a really great and fun night - I have yet to post about that and since then we've played just a bit. More recently, we've gotten to know each other better, and have become better friends. It's nice and I love spending time with him. Something is different when I'm with him, I can't place my finger on it... but I'm always left thinking about our time spent days after. (Update on the update here... I don't think we're friends any longer, it was a decision I made. I think he hates me, and I'm not happy about it.)

BFWB - I see him here and there.... Nothing really going on, our schedules are pretty off. But I've learned I can count on him.

The Suit - What a naughty naughty man, and oh, what he's done to me. Not physically not yet and not him... but soon. More to come on that.

CT - I haven't seen in a very, very long time.

Birthday

It's my birthday.

Nothing Like the Real Thing Baby

I've seen Morgan quite a few times in the last few months in which I haven't written. (For tonight I'm going to put the relationship mess to the side.)

When I'm tied up or laid out on his bed... A ball gag might be in between my lips, possibly a blindfold over my eyes... I just want to giggle, often I do giggle. Then I hear his voice, stern - asking me what I find so funny, he'll possibly slap my face. But until he slaps it just hard enough I giggle away. Matter of fact, after he slaps me I still have to make a conscience effort to be serious, quiet and respectful.

When I'm bent over, calling him Sir, I have a smirk on my face. And the worst, when I'm on my knees and he's standing in front of me, my hands are behind my back, my head is lowered. I'm in the one position in which I always feel subservient, submissive, and naturally comfortable. He asks me if I'm going to be a good girl for him, he asks me if I like my collar, he tells me I'm his whore... and during all of this - I'm rolling my eyes and saying "Yes Sir" as best I could with out each of my replies sounding bored, fake - monotone.
(There are times when I've giggled with others, but in those cases - it was that nervous type of giggle, and when I was told to keep quiet, or smacked I knew they meant business)

It's not real with Morgan. It never is real, it never was real. I don't think it will ever be real. I know he's faking it, playing a part. I know because I taught him about D/s. It's one thing - if I "introduced" him to it - but I did that and more.
I know he enjoys it, it's like I've created a monster... it's all he wants to do.

Problem is, I'm turned off by it. He doesn't get it; he doesn't feel the deepness to it. He doesn't realize how natural it is to me... How we're supposed to feed off of each other. But, I don't feel it from him. - To him it's a game, playtime, a sort of extracurricular activity - a hobby.
The more it's become this to him, the less I enjoy it.

And then there's the whole bit in which he enjoys me being the Dom - HAhahhahaha!
We all are well aware, that I completely fake it. That's when I realize how great my acting ability is, and that maybe I should have been an actress.

Next, the relationship mess....

Back

I haven't been able to write, for a number of reasons...

- I've had writers block, I can't get myself to finish a post and I have so many unfinished posts.

- Someone has found my blog, he told me months ago. It's not the worst thing in the world but it's bothersome. He makes it seem as though it's no big deal- to me it is. He says it's just like reading an autobiography... Well that's easily said, but who reads autobiographies of a person they currently have some sort of friendship with. No less it's not a finished autobiography, it continues daily. So maybe I've stopped it so he can longer read my thoughts, feelings, experiences. Or maybe I just had to wait to come to terms with it.
Who is it? The Suit.

- My job has consumed my life; I need to learn how to make it stop. I do know how to make it stop... I think I sometimes stay at the office till all hours of the night because I really don't have anything else to do. Going home to my empty apartment is sometimes sad. Being that I have a vast amount of work it just poses as an excuse for myself. But don't get me wrong... sometimes it's a necessity to work late.

I've had a lot going on and at the same time I've had a lot of nothing going on.
I don't really feel like writing about these last few months as a review... but what other way is there?

I'll be back to update very soon.

Wishing you a...

Where's your red?

It's no wonder why miss Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani wear it daily - it's fucking empowering!

I don't often wear red lipstick, but when I do, I do it right.
In the fall or winter, when my skin is no longer a
golden brown, but like the changing of the leaves colors, mine has gone a soft fair white.




Red lips, white skin, my dark black hair - timeless.


5pm - I leave my office, on my way home...
Oh my god, every man, every woman glanced at me. I couldn't help but smile, it was endearing. And in this city of strangers amazingly my smiles were returned, what a pleasant surprise.





There was something about it.... the red lips.
It's comparable to when a gorgeous women walks into a room and all heads turn to see.
It felt seductive, empowering, boudoir, fun, girly, womanly, put together and beautiful.





So if you can handle these feelings, the looks, the smiles, the attention and the confidence it exudes... Then go for it, get to your closest Sephora find your red and you'll see just what I'm talking about.

It's all...

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt... My mom used to say that often. Yet, maybe it's true.

Maybe - it's all fun and games, until I get hurt.

Until I realize that my BFWB, isn't my BF any longer, but he's now become just a guy I've known for a long time who loves my blowjobs and tits.

Until I realize that I would do anything in the world for the man I love, but he wouldn't for me and I need to stop loving him.

Until I realize that I think about a certain someone too much, but I can't let myself develop feelings for him.

Until I realize that a sort-of ex only wants fun and games out of me, but I'm think I'm realizing I need more than fun and games.

Keeping all this within my world is fun, lots of fun... but maybe it keeps me stagnant. Maybe it's the reason I haven't found the man who will love me the way I should be. Maybe I should end it all...

Are all my fun and games holding me back from something real happening?
Or am I complete emotional mess tonight and I'm blaming it on my fun and games... I assume time will tell.

A Perfect Place... ruined.

I felt so content, despite that my body was getting tired, my wrists hurt badly and so on...We were at his job - it was fun, naughty and whispering which made everything that more erotic.

As I sucked his cock I knew I was where I belonged; happily sucking, kissing, licking and adoring his cock. When his hands lay gently on the back of my head, I'd just come to realize how much I loved this.

He was close to cumming but didn't want to yet so he slid his cock out of my mouth. I could barely keep myself away, I went back to kissing and softly licking his shaft. I couldn't figure out why I loved this nor why it felt so good I just knew it was right. Was it him? Well not exactly; while the BFWB and I have great chemistry, I know I'm just as content sucking TYD's cock maybe even more so being that he knows exactly what I need. But it's so right with him, I've said it times before in my blog, the strong animal attraction, knowing each other so well, etc...

While I was truly enjoying how good all this felt he says, "Want to watch me do this". I didn't quite get it - is he bi, does he want to experiment - in front of me!?
I look up at him - "Huh, I don't understand". He nudges my head back to his cock, I continue sucking... "Wouldn't you want to watch me? Wouldn't you want to do what I do to you".

I couldn't help but think, no, no, NO and how?? I started licking his cock to avoid eye contact, I said I don't understand how this all works... he goes on to say strap on. Then asks me if I'd want to pull his hair, hold his head down on it. Stand above him as he's on his knees sucking my pseudo cock...
And that's when he ruined it. Why couldn't he be content doing what we always have been doing?! I wouldn't mind if he wanted to take things further, but not in this direction, not in the complete opposite direction of who I am and what I love. We have the most perfect friends-with-benefits-relationship, and now this.
I take on the Dominant role with Morgan (here and there); I hate it - it's acting, it's fake, and it's not me. But I do it because of how much he loves it, and how much I care for him.
But not another one.. it's all I continued to say to myself - not another one, not you too....

I told him in order for us to get to that kind of level, I need more than this. I'm not speaking relationship-wise (g-d, no, I don't want to date him). But we need to see each other more often, we need to see each other in a normal place (hmmm.. a bedroom?!)....and so on... I know our schedules would never be able to coordinate that well, therefore leaving all this to never happen. I would never want him to feel bad about opening up to me like he did. I just couldn't bear to tell him how much I DON'T want to do that, how I'm disappointed that he's brought it to the table, how he could possibly ruin my perfect place.

The deep pitted feeling

I'm getting that feeling. The same feeling I got with the last "friend" he had. I'm nervous about it, I get that deep pitted feeling in the bottom of my stomach when he says her name.
I'm not crazy, I'm not stupid, I'm not jealous, I'm feel an uncertainty and I'm going with my instincts.. And my instincts are usually right.

I'll confront him tonight. I'll lay it all out there and ask him.

The Games we Play

TYD:
Throughout my day at the office some of my typing consists of "Yes Sir's" and "I'd love to be on my knees for you Sir".
Almost everyday day of the work week we IM back and forth, he treating me and talking to me as if I were still his whore, I respond accordingly. It's fun; it keeps us entertained, thrilled and most importantly- turned on. I've been on my knees for him before, I've had my face slapped and spit on by him before, so it's easy to imagine the words we type, it's easy to remember how his cock filled my mouth, how he choked me with it. How he wasn't scared to slap my face, as others had been, how he made my knees quiver, and still makes my pussy wet.
I enjoy chatting with him it reminds me of the slut I enjoy being during the hours when I'm the headstrong and smart business woman.

BFWB:
He's been a game I've played for so many years now that often it's just how we are...Yet a few weekends ago our game was played as it had been years ago.
On my way to my local hole-in-the-wall bar, while looking for a parking spot I spotted his car parked, I knew he had to be in there. I walked in with the utmost confidence, sexiness just pouring from me, and there he was at the other end of the bar. I went about my time, careful not to let him see me spot him. I wanted him to simply spot me in the crowd laughing, smiling having fun with my girls while looking gorgeous and wanting me. And it worked perfectly. He walked past me, discreetly grabbed my waist and gave me this kinda I need you tonight look. All night long we went on like that not really talking to each other just giving each other signals. The signals we know so well, the signals we had used back in high school when no one knew what we were up to. All these smiles, eyes and teasing signals led up to a few text messages of where and when we'd meet up... very fun.

The Phone Man:
Approximately four years ago I'd wait till all left the office then slip my hand down my pants to my delicious warmest parts, he'd call me and we spoke on the phone, he told me how he would use me, how he would make me his slut, he said some of the dirtiest things. He eventually became too annoying and I stopped our chats.
Two years ago he contacted me on a screen name I rarely use... we started chatting again. He made me wet and filled with enticing ideas... He called me a few times during work hours (at a new company) I used a private bathroom to chat with him, and I found myself with my hand inside my panties as he told me all that he would still do to me. Unfortunately, this man again became annoying, he wanted to know too much, and he wanted to tell me about his life. I didn't care about his life nor wanted to share mine... I stopped taking his calls.
About 6 months ago somehow we began chatting online again, I made it very clear that I didn't care to know about his personal life. The phone calls began again, though now that I'm at a new company I can no longer slip into a bathroom. He calls me his phone whore, which I find completely ridiculous and it actually makes me laugh; but hey - it turns him on. He now calls me in the middle of the night, most of the time it wakes me up. But there's something hot about being woken up, and told to spread your legs ;)

The Repressed Cock

The brain is an amazing machine...

I ran into someone one of these past afternoons. Seeing him practically stopped me in my tracks. I haven't seen him for a number of years now. Matter of fact, seeing him did stop me in my tracks; I paused for a few seconds as he stood a few feet away smiling at me. I pushed myself to continue walking over to him (he was standing next to the person I was actually there to speak with). In my mind I could only think; play it cool, breath, don't trip and fall - he's watching you.
As I approached him...
"Joey, well look at you, girl you are lookin' good! Damn you haven't changed a bit, still as sexy as you always were. What are you up to?" As I thanked him, smiled, (prolly blushed too) and filled him in on where I've been - suddenly bits of memories flooded my head...

We were in a car, we were bullshitting and flirting. He reached over, and kissed me. I remember his thick full lips softly kissing me, yet each kiss increasingly became stronger. His hand against my cheek, powerful yet tender....

I reply, and then ask him what he's been up to. "I'm just hanging out; still have my apartment in (so-and-so). I haven't kept in touch with..."

We had been working at the restaurant that night, we went out after our shifts often but this night was different. This night we ended up alone (usually most of the staff went out together). I remember that I had been the one driving (we were now pulled over and parked somewhere). As he was kissing me I remember thinking - don't do this, don't become another conquest of his. He was adorable and hot all wrapped up in one. He was something of a "player" I just wasn't sure how much of one. I didn't want to be "that girl" in the restaurant. Restaurants are breeding grounds for hooking-up (I hate that term). Yet, I mostly avoided that; I flirted to no end, teased and had my occasional hook-up, but I was really just one of the guys. Anyhow, like I said I didn't want to be "that girl" at the restaurant, all the girls there loved Rock. As we were kissing, it occurred to me that Rock didn't hook up with the restaurant girls, Rock and I were friends first, and therefore I knew. Girls fell for him left & right; standing at 6 feet tall, a beautiful shade of brown skin, a smile paired with dimples that could make your knees weak, light green eyes, perfect teeth, and a personality that was sweet, witty, funny, confident and caring (as I try to describe it...). How could they not fall for him?! He could have any one of them and sometimes he did - why not? - He was young and didn't want to be tied down.
He continued kissing me as I overanalyzed the whole situation (something I still do) and I realized I wouldn't exactly be another conquest in regards to the restaurant. I would be the one - the one who got him - HA!
I still worried though; here I was this (mostly) good girl making out with a delicious black guy. I wasn't raised racist at all, matter of fact I had lots of black friends but it wasn't exactly smiled upon should I date one. Again overanalyzing - I knew quite well I wasn't bringing Rock home to meet my 'rents. So, what was I worried about?!...

My reminiscing was interrupted, "So Joey what brings you here?"... I tell Rock I need to go take care of some business. He replies "I'm not going anywhere". I go about with what I have to do, while Rock dilly-dallies around. As I'm talking to the guy I'm there to see, I can't help but steal glances at him while all these memories just keep materializing....

I end up sliding over to the passenger seat, I straddle him; facing him I kiss him deeply, passionately. I never kissed a black guy before, his lips were different, it was fun to suck on his bottom lip. He lifted my shirt up and over my head - I remember him doing it so gently but there was something really "manly" about it. I licked and kissed his neck as he unhooked my bra. Taking it off; he cupped my breast, the moonlight beamed in through the car window, his milk chocolate hand was against my breast. His large rugged hand on my soft white breast - the contrast was beautiful. He saw me looking down, said "What?”. "It's pretty" I replied. He smiled and said "They sure are pretty Joey" I giggled...
He touched, fondled and played, kissed and caressed, sucked then licked. Every bit felt good - very good, and not the -oh he played with my tits *yawn- good. It was more like the -he didn't stop caressing my tits *panty creamer - Good!
Things only got steamier in that car, it was a summer night, we were lightly sweating, kissing, touching, it just didn't stop...

I finish my business there and Rock approaches me, I tell him I'm gonna get going, he insists that we hang out. I giggle at him, and of course he takes that as a decline, in which I then insist I was joking. I give him my number, we both end up being free that night, he tells me he'll call me later, and we'll go get a few drinks and catch up.
I say goodbye and I feel his eyes on me as I walk away...

I'm now on my knees on the floor of the car facing the front seat, his legs are on either side of me and his (very big- no joke here folks!) black cock is in front of me. Taking it my mouth, his hands are immediately on my head and in my hair. He waits a bit, while I familiarize my mouth with his cock. He lets me take my time, licking it, taking it all in deep and sucking the length of it. Then slowly and might I add - very smoothly, he starts talking dirty to me. "That's it Joey, suck my cock"... then he's quiet.
A few minutes later, "Mmm... feels good".... again quiet.
He then lets out in a whispery tone "yea, mmmph.. oh yea" and I feel his hands grip my hair tighter... quiet..
"Yea baby, suck my black cock"
Seconds later... "Damn your good, keep that cock in your mouth" as he pushes my head further down. His tone became increasingly more authoritative and I liked it - a lot. ( Let’s remember I hadn't yet realized I was attracted to alpha men)
For the remainder of the blowjob (how proper did I just make that sound?!) he continued to be this authoritative kinda guy, and I didn't have a problem with it, I just sorta - fell into place.

On my way home, I couldn't stop replaying all those memories. They came back to me SO crystal clear, as if it happened yesterday. I ended up falling asleep that night, falling asleep before Rock had called. I woke the next morning to a missed call - Rock - no voicemail and he never called back again... I'm sure we'll run into each other again sometime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you asked me the day before I ran into Rock if I had ever been with a black guy sexually, I would have replied no. Not because I'm lying about it, but because this was all very repressed. I'm not sure why I had repressed that night with Rock, as I think about it all more and more I can't figure it out. It seems to me that I truly felt as though I really did something I shouldn't have – therefore my brain locked it away in my subconscious.

And here in present day, who knows? Maybe I’ll go ahead and kiss a black man, suck his cock, and better yet I might just go for the full on sexual experience ;)

Tiptoeing through the TwoLips

This past weekend (yes I'm aware I'm week behind) was completely filled with masturbating.
I couldn't stop.
I wasn’t only obsessed with masturbating but I couldn't remove myself from the computer. I go through this self-obsessed-loving weekend a few times a year. While I do think it's great, sometimes I wonder if it's a problem.

Friday night...
I arrive home early from having a few afternoon drinks with co-workers (LOVE those summer hours!) and I jump online and check my mail. Then I checked a new kind of mail, a fun type of mail - D/s kind of mail. Let's see if I have any and if I do what kind of note a new Dom might have left. I logged myself on, ding-ding-ding - I have a few. I read and sort through them... hmmm... ehhh... ooooh... hello! A few good ones - I reply. I've been thinking lately that I seriously need a kinky boyfriend. I'm not focusing on the boyfriend here. But if and when I meet someone, I need him to be a kinky guy, I would love for him to be D/s educated and obviously he be of the Dominant persuasion. In my past relationships they were pure vanilla and I wasn't purely satisfied.

So back to where I was... I then pull up the Aol chatrooms I've always trolled through them since I was young. Fascinating people in there and quite horny - much like myself at the moment. I start chatting with a man, next thing I know my legs are spread, my hand is underneath my panties, and I'm rubbing my cunt. (I've gotten pretty good at one-handed typing.. lol) This goes on for quite a few orgasms err. . hours. I get to bed very late- but before I fall asleep I grab a dildo and thrust it into my cunt a few times before I can bring myself to orgasm and the fall asleep.

Saturday morning...
I decide to attempt to cook a good breakfast - and it was! I lay back on the couch after finishing my breakfast, turn on the tv and again I find my hands making their way to my cunt. I rub my fingertips over my lips, they're soft (I had just shaved a few nights ago). I lie there not watching anything in particular and slowly rub my lips. She's still moist from the night before. That's the great thing about my pussy; if I'm soaking wet the night before, then I'm certainly going to wake up with a wet pussy. - G-d, I love that - I love it even more so when a man slides his cock right into me and wakes me up... Eventually I slip my finger inside I stop to give my clit a little hello - oh, it's a long hello, long enough that I slowly cum...
After enjoying that, I watch a movie, in which I again - play with my pussy. I take a deliciously long shower - and guess what - ... I'm not even typing it - lol! But with the hot water running down my hair and onto my body, I couldn't help myself?!

I take a little break, clean up around my apartment and I'm cleaning I can't help but notice my cunt is still wet...

It's a gorgeous day and I should be at the beach with my friends, but instead this little pervy girl has decided to stay in and cum all day long.
I go out onto my balcony, needing to get some fresh air and sun. I go out there equipped with my cell phone, the current book (no, it's not erotica) I'm reading, the remote control to my stereo and a pillow. Finally, a little time to read & relax after my stint of cleaning. Actually I hate the book I'm reading (maybe it's because it's not erotica) but I've pushed myself to finish it...

About 45 minutes later I go inside grab something to munch on for lunch, make a few phone calls, check email and then pry myself away from the computer before any naughtiness commences. Back out on the balcony I change the cd playing then lie down on my stomach, resting my arms on the pillow and go on reading. Moments later, I feel something hard underneath me - in a very naughty place. My balcony is high enough - at least I think it is, I've laid out there naked... I begin pushing my pelvis into the object - it feels somewhat good. My book falls closed - my head rests on the pillow, eyes slowly shut and I gradually gyrate my hips... mmmmhhhh... I come to figure out the object to be the remote control. I'm wearing only a tank top and cotton panties, my hips rotate, grind and hump the remote. G-d it feels good, though it does hurt a little bit; But of course we all know I like that bit of pain ;)
Grinding and humping it faster, harder I feel my pussy wet and slick. I have a thought of actually trying to use it on myself, but that quickly goes away. I'm dying to bring a finger to my clit - but I won't allow myself. I'm going to force myself to lie out here on the balcony and cum from grinding, gyrating and humping my pussy into a stereo remote control. Harder and faster I move my body, I lift my tank top, my nipples harden from being pushed up and down on the itchy outdoor rug. I'm grinding hard now, I like the mix of pain and pleasure this is all causing me. My body begins to quiver, I find myself holding my breath and then... then... that sensational feeling consumes me, I cum hard and long, breathing heavily - panting.

I'm spent and my panties are soaked through. I could only smirk at myself... I realize that what I just did and the manner in which it was done, is exactly how I began masturbating when I was a little girl. It was the best orgasm of the day, hell - of the weekend.
I pick up my book, continue reading, I end up falling asleep outside. Waking up realizing I have errands to run...

Upon returning home I head straight for my email, I have a few im's to respond to. I reply, I know I shouldn't I don't have time - I have to go out for the night with friends.. I end up late meeting with them and my pussy is juicy and wet as I'm out dancing; I had a very hot little chat with some dirty man - it's all his fault.

Sunday...
I wake up late having come home at some ungodly hour.
I'll tally Sunday up for you:
15 - Number of men I chat with online.
1 - Phone call me for phone sex (even though I'm pretty bad at it)
13 - Orgasms in total

4th

Happy 4th to all.


I think this year, the fourth of July signifies change.
Change that I couldn't hold back with all my might - if I had wanted to.

So now, here is all this change taking place... My sister married, only leaving my roommate living here with me. Weird. My new job, which is just great and I couldn't be any more happy!

My lovely sex life has been quiet - which is not so lovely. I can't stop masturbating lately -every single morning. I think about being tied up quite often, I'm not sure why. Maybe I miss it. Actually I do miss it. It's been a long while since I've been tied up, and used well.
Damn, it's been a long time since I've had sex....

Nausous

It makes me nausous everytime I think of how I've practically abandoned my sexy little blog.

My life has taken a huge turn.
First and foremost the excellant news - I have a new job!
It's perfect and I love it, I wake up each morning looking forward to going to work. It's amazing and I couldn't be any happier.

But along with my new job comes the loss of my blogging time. As most of you know I blogged at work. Now, I'm finding it very hard to be able to set time aside to write. I have posts handwriten and ready to be typed up - just no time to do this... it sucks and I'm sorry.

I'm really going to try to get my ass in gear!
A new post will go up this week - I promise.

Secrets

I'm a HUGE fan and supporter of Post Secret!


It's finally made it's way to NYC - I'll be there checking it all out! You should too!
Post Secret's New York Event

Springtime Nymph

I think there is something in the Spring Weather - it makes me want to romp around like a little...nypmph

My sex drive is off the charts...lol.. Well, it's always been - but I'm feeling even more naughty than usual. A feeling deep in me has given me insatiable desires to be the submissive pet I have been in the past. I still chat with TYD and these cravings are leading me right down his path and onto my knees at his (proverbial) door. It hasn't happened yet but I'm almost there.

I've been dating more than I had been. I think I viewed my past dates too seriously. With each different one I would wonder if "this will be the one".
- Oh whatever with the one!
I've come to the decision that I'm going to date and have fun with it - meet new guys and enjoy it.
I'll leave my nymphy romps for the men who know me - unless a particular fellow comes along and I just can't help myself ;)

The Suite still chats with me online (something still tells me he could have been the one) - but he planted a little seed in my young and impressionable mind and I constantly wonder if seeing a black Dom rather than a white Dom would have that big of a difference in feelings of submissiveness; on any kind of level.
I'm thinking I should pursue this and find out for myself... hmmm...I'm still debating this one.

Well many sexy spring kisses to all of you, let's see what this little nymph gets herself into next.

Repeated Dreams

These dreams are detailed, clear, crude, sexual and disturbing. I'll warn you - they involve a child; so if you are uncomfortable with this please do not read further.

These dreams cross my mind night after night lately, they almost live themselves out - each one a little differently...

Originally I started writing them out detail-by-detail - thinking writing them would get it out of my head. But I can't post it - it's just too much, it wouldn't be right. Understandable it's only my dreams but posting the details goes too far.

As I said my dreams involve a child, the child is me. In each dream I'm a different age, ranging from about 4 years old to 11ish. There's a man, who is my father, I never see his face (and let's note his build looks nothing like my real father).

In each dream he molests me at night in my bedroom (my real bedroom, my bed, my possessions are all there). He's mean, rough and selfish, I don't really fight him nor cry too much... in some I do. In the dreams in which I'm older it just seems as though I'm used to it - I hate it, but I'm compliant.

As I said earlier these dreams are so damn clear and detailed, they disturb me, yet when I wake up from them, I'm wet. I don't know why, I don't know what’s going on with me. It's bad enough having these dreams night after night, remembering them, but then to wake up with my cunt dripping wet... it puzzles me...

The Suit & The Jean Queen

The Suit is what I planned to call my new guy... Note the past tense used - about a minute ago I called him to end someting that wasn't happening.
But here's a little about The Suit, The Jean Queen, what could have been and why I'm a little sad.

I planned on calling him The Suit, because he was just so serious, proper, fancy and he wore suits to work each day. And I'm the Jean Queen, layed back, giggly, and down to earth and I wear jeans to work each day :)
I loved that we were such opposites I think it made us good for each other. But we knew each other for quite a while and there was so much missing. I recently informed him of all I thought about that - he agreed and we both agreed to work on it.

Our kinky sides - it was a little scary to me that we already knew this about each other - it was good, but overwhelming. One of my last post's - Black on White should give you all a glimpse into what he was interested in and in what he got me interested in. But he wanted to move forward with this quite quickly, I wanted to build something stronger between us. We decided to move forward with both.

He's truly an alpha male in all respects. He decided where we ate, he had impecable taste, and I loved going to all these amazing restaurants; granted I usually had no idea what I was reading on the menu - but he'd show me... and I loved that. I loved having this feeling of being taken care of. We had fun together, I think I was a little too fiesty and sarcastic for him, but then again sometimes he was too serious for me.
I did something a little corny while dating him - on each date I always kept something. A cork from the bottle of wine on our first date, a matchbook from the restaurant, a playbook from a broadway show... a little part of me thought this was the man I was going to end up with and these were little things that made me smile to think I would look back on. I was proud to be with him, I couldn't wait to introduce him to my family and to meet his. I thought I found what I was looking for - a man, a real man who was successful and down to earth, respectful, trustworthy, honest, and kinky.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

How are you Joey?"
"I've had better days"

It was recently brought to my attention that I've had better days is my usual response lately... hell I've had better months!
I'm not sure what has brought me down - but life is boring, monotonous, - day in day out...
No more evenings at Morgan’s where I just knew my pussy would be getting pounded. No more trips to CT where I'd be used and made to feel so absolutely submissive. Barely any more rendezvous with BFWB where we were just so fucking in sync with each other.

What is going on here?

CT is out of the picture - I'm done. I saw the man in a broken state, and I lost all respect for him. I could never proudly kneel on my knees before him nor offer my holes for his use. He was desperate, nervous, cold, and broken. I can think back to that moment and instantly I'm turned off, he was pathetic.

Morgan and I are trying to work this out. He finally told me the words I longed to hear, the words I longed for him to feel for so long now.
He loves me.
But does this come at a point that's just too late? I'm not sure - I love him as well, but he's 200 miles away and he doesn't want a LDR (long distance relationship). So I asked him - how can you love me and be ok with the fact that I'm seeing someone else. He said it was because it would be unfair of him to ask me not to be with anyone else.
Heh, I guess if the two of us are suppose to be together it'll work out... There's so much more to this to explain... but too much. Meanwhile he recently told me he's afraid of losing me. Does this mean he now wants a LDR and if so, maybe it's too late for that as well (on my part).

BFWB and I have bad, bad, bad schedules and that's pretty much the only reason we don't see more of each other.

My new guy... I'm still working on a name for him for the blog... for now I'll just tell you that things are moving so freaking slowly. I have more on him to come - another post.

Besides this lackluster sex life, life itself seems so very boring. Things seem to be heading in the wrong direction and I'm just wallowing in the wrongness of it all. I'm trying to fix some of it - but other obstacles seem to be out of my control.
But something I've learned is that when life gets boring, or it seems as though I'm stuck in a rut... something wicked this way comes.

Black on White

A short story.

It's early Friday evening... I'm in grand central, and making my way onto the train.
I'm very particular about where I sit on the train, and usually get the same seat each day. But this train is different than the others (don't ask me why) and it totally throws me off, so I end up sitting in a three seater row.

There is a black guy across from me in the two seater and asks me if the train goes to so-&-so-station… He's young, 20ish and thuggish looking I answer him and proceed to sit down.A few minutes later, my cell rings... I get the worst service so I grab my bag and step onto the platform. I take the call and head back onto the train, someone took my seat, a black man in his 30's, wearing a suit. I sit down next to him he smiles and says hi (I’ve noticed people rarely do that on the train) I say hi, take my book out, put my ipod on…

A few minute later another guy sits next to me and guess what – he’s black.

First off, as many of you know men rarely sit next to me and when they do... bad things have happened:

Once I was groped and fondled, another time a man in his late 50's tried doing something like that... I've had a guy pretend to be interested in a business venture... (he was in the same industry) while he really just wanted to fuck me, another time this guy rubbed himself while sitting next to me.. Oh I get the fun ones!

Did I expect it with one of these men?I wasn't sure what to expect, yet something wasn't right... surrounded by 4 black guys on a predominantly white train… odd.

So here I am sitting between these guys, and that last one to sit… in his 40's nicely dressed.The one to my right (who had taken my seat) was definitely good looking; tall, strong look, sweet smile and obviously friendly. I’m usually not attracted to a black man, and to be honest I’ve never been with one.

I go on reading oblivious to the rest of the world, but I can't concentrate on my book while sitting between these two men. Oh and another thing about the train - body contact. There is very, very little body contact despite the fact that you’re practically sitting on top of each other. Therefore when knees or legs touch, immediately one moves their leg away.

The man on my left, his leg moved to mine so that it was leaning and he didn’t move it. About 10 minutes later, the man on my right moved his hand onto his thigh but in a manner so that he was also touching my thigh. Normally I’d shift or move so they'd get a hint to move themselves away from touching me... but I didn't. This slight bit of body contact and thoughts of the some recent conversations I’ve had with my new guy regarding interracial sex, the beauty in the contrast of color, and that natural dominance a black man would have to a white woman… well it all had me turned on. I’m thinking what an amazing coincidence it is that at this particular time, I'm seated between two black men who both are touching me in some sort of way. I was fully turned on, and even though they were both only lightly touching I was completely aware of it. There was a little something uncomfortable and weird at first, because it wasn't just one - it was both of them but I liked it. Maybe it was the dominanting feeling I got sitting between them, two tall good looking black guys, I’m between them, they're touching me, one's all smiling and hi at me, the other keeps glancing down my shirt and there I am thinking of them fucking me. It was overwhelming, such a turn on and I that submissive-ish feeling crept through me.

I went home to masturbate with thoughts of these two men leaving the train with me to go fuck me all the while my new guy watched. I’m not one who likes to be watched though I’ve fantasized about it… And with the right guy (possibly the new guy) this could be a whole new fun experience.

Will I look for black men on the train to sit next to now? Maybe I will… but then I’ll never finish a book ;)

Bad Bad....Blogger

I've been such a bad blogger in the last few months... I'm sorry all.
I have a delicious upcoming story to tell you all about while I was up at Morgan's the other weekend...

For now I'll leave you with this...my new collar (metal rings wrapped in satin,with a pretty satin bow tied behind my neck).

Wow, Really?!

And there I was, laid out on this bed, those soft familiar red flannel sheets underneath my naked body. My arms spread out on either side of me, tied to his foot-board, our new ball-gag placed in my mouth, blindfolded, and my new collar tightly around my neck. He roped it through it's hoops and tightly strung it to the foot-board. Unable to move my head, nor speak, nor see... I was all his to use and I loved every bit of rope and cloth restricting me.

He slapped my face, "Are you my whore?" "Mmmhmm" was all I managed to muffle out.
(Whoa, whoa, whoa wait a minute - Did Morgan just slap my face and use the word whore??! Wow, this is going to be good I think to myself.) "And my whore should want to please me, you want to be a good whore and please me isn't that right?!" As his hands are softly resting on my cheeks.. SLAP, again he slaps my face. I cry out somewhat....
He then binds my breasts with black electrical tape, he slaps them - I pull at my bound arms - I moan - I'm in heaven.

He then spreads my legs, bends them at the knee, wraps the rope around my ankles and then the other end of the rope to the headboard. He then uses the red stretchy cloth wrapping it around my thighs and to the foot board, this only helps in spreading my legs further apart and constricting the movement of my legs. He tells me how I should want to please him, my master. When he says that it's weird, I don't view Morgan as my "Master" even during our play session, because while he's taken on this dominant role, it doesn't have the characteristics of a Master. He lightly slaps my inner thighs with the crop. I'm so surprised by all his actions that I keep thinking; Holy shit I have to remember every minute of this - I have to write about this! And now as I think back (ps this was all written as soon as I got back home) it becomes quite hard to recall what he had done - each and every amazing minute of being his whore.

I then feel his fingers at my cunt, sliding them up and down my slit, I'm dripping wet, he tells me how he loves when his cunt is dripping for him (ok reality check here - will the real Morgan please stand up!). He teases me with his fingers - I moan slowly, softly, I pull at my arms and legs.. they barely move an inch, my back arches, my nipples harden I love this feeling of being bound by him, for him... I moan again, soft purr like moans. I'm craving more... then a vibrating feeling, slowly pushing inside me.. in and out soft and slow for a few strokes, then faster and harder.. fucking me with the vibrator. Quivers are running up and down my body, I'm moaning though the ball gag (which ps - is kinda hurting me at this point) harder quicker the vibrator is pushed in and out of my pussy... and I cum... I deliciously cum for him.
He tells me that is what good whores get - they get fucked, they get to cum. I'm so overwhelmed by his actions, his worlds, my orgasm, that I can barely acknowledge him. He takes the ball-gag out of my mouth, tells me to keep silent but to relax my jaw. With that comment I look forward to feeling his cock on my lips... waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. no cock.. He steps off the bed, he's meddling with something and at this point I have no idea what he could be up to.... I hear his footsteps trail out of the room. I lie there still tied, and blindfolded, it's dark, it's quiet and I can't believe all that he's done to me. The name calling, the slaps to my face, the way I'm bound, I love it all and I'm still in shock by all of these actions.

The New Man

I have no idea where to start this or how to start this and that's why I've put this off.

My new guy.

I've come to the decision that I need to have an open-minded loving man who is interested in the same things as I (sexually speaking here folks) in order for me to be satisfied. I cannot be in a marriage with a completely (ugh I hate this term) vanilla husband. I don't think I'd be happy, I don't think I'd stay faithful. I've been in vanilla relationships, but yearned for more. And so one night while on the computer checking my emails one of these lovely dating sites I saw a picture of a very good-looking man. His pictures were adorable, what he had written about himself - even better, and there in the essay he mentions that he's sexually unconventional and two letters written afterwards "D/s". I couldn't help myself, I rarely contact guys, but he was online at the time and I couldn't resist iming him.

Two months and four dates later...
He's wined me and dined me well. I'm not used to this type of man, well-to-do, smart, down to earth (and yes he's older than I). He intimidates me a bit, I find myself somewhat quieter around him. But I like him; I like our chemistry so far. He's good for me and I think I'm good for him. But there are things about him - I think I'm a little too much of a smart-ass girl for him, and my sarcasm... but that's just me! He reads me well, a little too well; I hate it (ok so I secretly like it a bit)... go figure! He's an alpha male by nature, and resonates just that. I think this is where those smart ass comments conflict with his natural dominance.

Now when it comes to the unconventional sex side... He's put new ideas in my head, new things to do and try. Things that would just blow you all away. Things that blew me away... I have a hard time admitting that I want to try these things (but I do want to), and that I might actually enjoy all of this. When it comes to D/s, he's not looking for the standard D/s roles, he's more interested in the mental aspect of it. (Perfect!)

All of this adds a new dimension to the courting stage we're in- I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm more open with him, more open than I've ever been with anyone who I've been dating for just so long, therefore I don't know how far to go with things, and where to slow down with things.

This is tricky to me, and I have no one to go to for advice... Can't tell my best friend, Misery... Umm things are going well, and we already have fantasies mapped out we'd like to try but we're still getting to know each other...
Do I hold off somewhat, pull back on the relationship? I'm thinking I need to be more of a go-getter right now. I'm feeling as though I've been playing the naughty but yet inhibited girl. Actually I have done just that as he said to me the other night, "Joey you are the most free inhibited person I know". Maybe it's time to raise the stakes, start seeing him more often and do other things rather than going out to dinner. I need to get to know more of him, interact with him... I feel as though I can fall for him. I think this relationship could be amazing but I just have to stop being shy with him, I need to show him more of me, more of Joey.

New Year...

My mind is in a million zillion pieces... It's a new year - did I mention I hate the new year?! Everyone rattle tattles on... starting over, blah, blah, blah, new beginnings, blah, blah, blah, another chance, blah, blah, blah. No - we are not starting over, I don't get to erase my bills and start with a zero balance. It's not a new beginning - it's just a continuance of the day before, we go back to work, we continue dropping off and picking up the kids from school, we do our laundry, cook dinner, etc... our daily lives continue. And it's not another chance - another chance at what?
Just as I always freak out before a birthday - I freak out around the New Year - another instance of how I hate change.

This year brings about changes for me - changes I don't want to face, changes that scare me, changes that I might actually look forward to...

On another note.

Morgan. I'm going up to visit him next weekend, I'm excited.

That's about it for now folks... I was sick with the flu and bed-ridden for quite a few days... I'm feeling better now and hopefully I'll be back in the swing of things.

I was always told...

to think before I speak.

I have a horrible habit of just talking. My whole life this has gotten me in trouble. When I was a little girl I was often yelled at and warned for what came out of my mouth. As a teenager it only became worse, and as I sat home punished on a Friday night, my dad would shake his head and say - Joey honey, how many times have I told you, you need to think before you speak. I'm notorious for it.

I'm grumpy today....
Earlier on I was talking to Morgan, during our conversation he said to me... "How come anytime I do something nice, you question it?" "Because I don't trust you". That was my reply - (I have a mirror by my desk) I looked at myself in the mirror in awe and thought - FUCK - did I just say that?!
He was upset, really truly upset... Soon afterwards he had to go... Later he called me back, angry and told me to think about this for a few days and call him then.
Well here I am thinking about all this, I've been thinking about this non-stop. I tried telling him that of course I trust him, he's my friend. But at the same time... I don't completely trust him. And he wants to know why. Morgan hasn't done anything for me to distrust him.... so why do I?


So, here you go Morgan, here are your reasons, as to why I don't trust you:
1. In a very important time of need, you were only partially there for me.
2. You tell me about plans you have, then you tell me about other plans - they always contradict
each other - what should I believe?
3. You don't know it, or you may, but somehow and somewhere along the last few years, I unintentionally fell for you, and you unintentionally hurt me. How can I trust someone who hurt me, even if it were unintentional.
4. Sometimes it has felt as though you keep our friendship a secret.
5. You know how to handle me, how to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to make me smile, no one has ever known all of that - it should give me more reason to trust in you, but since you've moved it makes me want to take a step back from you.
6. You've broken promises.

And here are reasons as to why I do trust you:
1. If there were a time I needed you, I know you would be there for me.
2. If there were a time you needed me, I would be there for you.
3. You're one of my closest friends and I know you would never hurt me.
4. You're a good person and you have a huge heart, and that is something rare.
5. You know how to handle me, how to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to make me smile,
how to make me open up, and no one has ever known all of that.
6. I can tell you and do tell you my deepest secrets.
7. I'm completely myself when I'm with you.
8. I care about you more than you know.


Morgan I trust you. I adore you, and I'm sorry for saying that.
Since you've been gone I'm filled with a million different emotions, and when I'm feeling uncertain, I second guess myself, I second guess you.

On another note, we have amazing sexual chemistry. And while I'm aware that you know that's not all we have, you make it feel that way sometimes. Before you moved we both agreed that we wouldn't be with anyone else physically. I was content with that. Maybe I was content with it because you were 8 minutes away from me, or because we saw each other almost every night in which we cuddled or fucked or kissed or just talked all night long. But now, keeping that decision, keeping that promise to each other confuses me. While it still assures us that we aren't with any one else... what else does it do?! It doesn't put you here for me to talk to, it doesn't allow us to see each other when we've had bad days, it doesn't let us cuddle at night watching tv, or go to dinner together, or actually see a movie with each other. So what are we doing??? I'm aware that you can't answer that, I'm not sure if I could…
And as I write down all these feeling for you to read, as I've now completely opened up my thoughts to you, I wonder if I'll regret this.... Maybe I should have said all this to you in person, I'm not sure that I could have.

Bumblefuck, NY

I can't believe that I have not posted in about a month now - but I can believe it - Tis the season to be very busy. Holiday's bring mass craziness to my life just like everyone else.

Before going up to Morgan's new home. We had some long discussions, in the end he wanted to stay physically committed to each other (yet no title)... bullshit if you ask me and at the same time it made me happy to hear. Ugh I'm becoming one of those stupid girls... please someone stop me.... moving along.

Morgan's place is amazing, it's beautiful there, him and the chocolate monster are happy. I really do see an improvement in him... He's his old self again and I was so happy to see that.

I arrived late Saturday night, driving into a bit of a snowstorm, we hung out, chatted, watched some tv together... it was a little awkward at first but soon enough we were both feeling comfortable. Later that evening we had fun together... I just let things be and didn't act any particular way - I was just Joey.

Sunday morning I woke up late, Morgan was up early and watching TV. When I finally stepped out of bed, out to his living room, I saw such a gorgeous view:


Yes, that's his backyard, amazing. That Sunday morning it was lightly snowing and the only word I can use to describe it, is enchanting. He then cooked me breakfast (I didn't even know he could cook!) and we just relaxed. Later that day he took me into town, we drove around, and I got a tour of his town. It's sweet and quaint it's in a place I like to call Bumblefuck, NY. We then went back to his house and watched some Sunday football. (Yup, I'm girl who actually likes watching football.) Somewhere during the 4th quarter of the Jets losing game (what's new?!) Morgan pulled my clothes off... I pulled his off...

I know I usually fill you all in with the juicy details... but let's just say much fun was had.

Though I had this reaction, a reaction I couldn't stand to bear. After each time he made me orgasm there were tears... I think they were tears of sadness, but I couldn't tell. Don't worry, I didn't let him see (I'm slick like that). But for the life of me I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. This didn't only happen Sunday night, it happened each and every fucking time. I'm not one of those women, so why in the world was I crying?!

A little update:

Morgan calls me about a million times a day... Seriously the guy calls me at least 3 times during the work day and usually again in the evening - great I know. But there's been no development with where we are. We were planning on me going up again in January, he misses me, misses the sex, misses us, misses our kinky nights experimenting, misses watching football with me... and so on. I don't know what to do here folks. I think I need to back away, I think I have him in an area in that if I back away from him, maybe he'll just realize the person he may lose.

I met someone new... and I'll get into that with all of you in my next post, it's certainly interesting. I told Morgan I met someone... I'm not sure how he took it; I couldn't read him at all. But maybe with this new guy lurking about, Morgan will make some more solid decisions. I still miss him terribly. And I still can't figure out why in the world the tears were flowing after each orgasm?!

Happy Holidays, X-Mas, Chaunukkah, Kwanzaa and all that!

Our Reunion

I should be excited; I'm finally going to see him.
I'm partially excited; I'm also feeling reluctant, and solemn.
I find it awkward going there, I'm filled with a million different emotions, I've expressed this to Morgan and he agrees that it is awkward.

Part of me doesn't want to go, part of me wants to never see him again, forget about him, that would be the easy way out of this and I can't do that.

I don't know how to go there.
Do I go there as the best friend?
Do I go there as the wanton goddess?
Do I go there as the slut?
Do I go there as sweet Joey the girlfriend that never happened?
Do I go there as the submissive girl, who learned to trust him with every ounce of trust possible?
Do I go there as the dominatrix who will hurt and punish him for every bit of hurt he caused me?

Those are all me - So I can't pick and choose which part I shall play. Besides, I don't think I'm strong enough to go there as just one. I have to go with all of these personas encompassing me.

So, I'll tour his new home and grounds as his best friend.
I'll eat dinner, chat, and kiss him as sweet Joey.
I'll wear his favorite black sexy boots and the corset he never saw as the wanton sex goddess.
I'll suck his cock as his slut.
I'll lie on his bed tied and blindfolded with all the trust in the world a submissive should have. And I'll tie him, torture him, and spank him as his dominatrix.
And through all of that will my feelings of love for him just grow stronger, will this only hurt me ?????

And what's my mission in all of this?
To have him realize everything he has missed by leaving me?
To win him over and have him drooling and wanting more?
To make him forget about Ms. Thang and realize I'm the one?
Or is it my goodbye, my last time I see him, enjoy our time together, maybe I'll finally come to accept that this might be over.
Or is this the time I tell him I love him - probably not - I don't think he deserves to know.

Maybe I'm hurting myself even more by doing this- going there. Although, I'll never know if I don't go - right? What is there to know at this point?
UGh.... I'm babbling here..
My thoughts are so scattered (as you can see) I can't seem to collect them and figure out what to do with all of them.

I feel as if I need a game plan - what I'm doing, why I'm doing and how I'm doing all of this......

I'll be leaving Saturday.

MA!

"Ok Ma..."
"Yea Ma..."
"Why do you say need, has it really come to that point in my life where the word need and boyfriend should be in the same sentence??"
"I don't think so Ma. I'm fine, I'm fine!"
"Joey, listen to me - you have to find a man, a boyfriend, someone to share your life with, someone to have fun with, someone to eventually start a family with."
"Ma, I'm only 26, I'm doing just fine, I'll find someone - I'm not worried."
"Ok Ma..."
"Yea Ma..." (I'm not in the mood to argue with her. We just made up from a 2 week argument. I'm sitting outside my building, it's a pretty day maybe the pleasant weather can keep me somewhat sane with where this conversation is about to go.)
"You have to put yourself out there Joey and date!"
"Mom, I just went on two dates" (Ok so it was only one, but two sounded better. A woman walks by me, she looks at me and smiles at hearing this... I assume she can relate.)
"When did that happen?? How did it go?"
"The other week, and they were pretty bad"
"Well then Miss Joey you need to have four more lined up....Joey you're 26 already...."

I hate these phone calls, sometimes she gets to me, sometimes she doesn't... Today was a mixture, at first she didn't, but then later on in the evening she got to me, it all got to me.

I know I should date more often. I was pretty proud of myself for going on one damn date. It was horrific; it makes me never want to go on another again. A full waste of my evening, I can't even look at it as a free dinner... (I'm just not one of those girls).
It's hard to meet men (at least men that are interested in dating and not just sex), yes I do the whole internet dating thing - god that sucks.

I wish I'd meet someone in a spectacular sort of way. I've always dreamed of literally bumping into him at Grand Central Station. Oh I know - how cliché of me! But I'm a dreamer - and a bit of a romantic (though I barely let it show). Now don't go making fun of me!
Every day I wonder what the future holds for me, I often wish I could peer into a crystal ball and see myself in ten years.... Most people don't want that - I do.

I know I haven't written about Morgan, it's painful to write about him. Forget even writing about him, I can barely watch tv shows that we had watched together, Simpsons and Family Guy are no longer part of my weekly tv shows - they just make me miss him. But we talk very often, still haven't seen each other... I don't want to get into this right now. For some reason my brain led me here to write about it, but I'm now slowly stepping away.

I saw BFWB the other week. He snuck me into the firehouse. Years ago when we were in college he would sneak me into this particular firehouse, it reminded us of those days... Matter of fact, I'll post about our little meeting separately.

CT's Object

When I got there, I was relaxed not nervous as I usually am. I think he picked up on that, because the minute I stepped into the house he lunged at me, grabbing my throat. He likes to scare me, and he did it well. I stepped back away from him, only to end up against the wall.... my throat held tightly by his large hand, he kisses me. He grabs my hair, pulling at it as he led upstairs to his bedroom.

Once upstairs, I'm (literally) thrown down on the bed, he grabs my throat and chokes me, slaps my face. At this point I'm trembling, and whimpering (and dripping wet). He lies on top of me choking me, watching me trying to gasp for air. He watches with an intensity that scares me, I can't look at him, so I close my eyes and my fists pound against his arms till he finally lets go and allows me to breathe. He softly rubs my cheek, as I'm coughing and trembling, he tells me to calm down, he tells me I'm safe and he won't hurt me - and I know that. I'm still trembling and breathing heavy, trying to calm down - he's never been so rough with me.

He then told me that he was going to use me very roughly, (he's had very bad month, going through lots) and that he's going to take out all his frustrations on me. I was going to be used and humiliated, and made to feel like nothing more than a ragdoll.
He pulls me to him kissing me roughly, he had a 5'oclock shadow and the stubble hurt my face badly. I kept pulling away - he would only pull me back by my hair and continue the rough and sloppy kisses.
He pulls off my shirt and bra up over my head, not concerned at all with his roughness, pulling my hair with it. I cry out, he smacks me.... he pushed me back down on the bed, still holding me by hair, he starts to slap my breasts, he yells at me for not coming to him and serving him sooner, and that I cannot serve him only when it's convenient for me...I apologize and beg him to stop...
He stops, pulls his pants off, and tells me to suck his cock.
I don't crave sucking his cock (as with others I do), it's extremely wide and fat... it's not much fun for me; I really have to work at it. My jaw sometimes starts to hurt and I can't take it down my throat as much as I'd want to. But as told, I slither down to his cock and suck. My head is pushed down further, choking me, gagging me, my eyes water.
I sucked him for quite a while, often pulling away because his cock just hurts my throat and jaw, when doing so he forces me back onto him.

Finally he pushes me off and lies me down. He instructs me to rub my clit, as he gets on his knees above my face and fucks my mouth like a cunt. He's facing my body, watching my fingers play with my clit, his balls on my face... I hate touching myself in front of him, he knows this, I hate this position, and he knows this too... He calls me a slut, whore, bitch... He holds my hand down on my cunt and continues to fuck my mouth while his balls lie on my face, my eyes and nose. I'm humiliated, I wanted him off of me, and I was also beyond dripping wet. He teases me and says, "I know you love this position bitch", “you love performing for your Master"... I hated it even more, crying out throughout sucking his cock and trying to pull my head away - but I just couldn't.
He told me that it's time for my cum feeding and that I'm to swallow all of his cum.... (Truth is - I'm no cum whore, I really don't enjoy swallowing). I fought and fought till he got annoyed stood over me and jerked off above me till he came all over my face, neck, hair.... He then got up, got me a towel and told me to clean myself off.
I cleaned my face off, and neck... I was tired, but horny - so horny.
He lied down next to me and touched my body lightly rubbing his hands over my tits, stomach, thighs.... (This is where he gets all mushy on me) He tells me how special I am, how much he cares for me, and that he truly loves me... I stay quiet and just listen to him.
I'm tired and want to sleep it's prolly about 2 am. He gets up and puts on a movie, I know he wants me to watch it with him but I could care less, I was tired. I end up falling asleep. I'm sleeping lightly (which isn't like me), I can hear the movie in the background and I feel his hand on my body.
I wake up on my stomach with his hands rubbing my back, my ass and down to my legs. I feel that my cunt is still dripping wet, and there's a spot on the bed underneath me... Each time his hand reaches my ass, I raise it up for him presenting it to him, hoping he will touch my cunt, rub my clit... anything!
He lightly touches my cunt... my clit... and drags his wet fingers up over to my ass... where he plays. I hate this, and I quickly drop my ass down... "Be a good girl for me" he says slowly and reluctantly I raise my ass for him.
He's next to me on his side facing me, his arm underneath my head. He touches and plays with my hole... I whimper into him, begging him not to. (I hate it, I always have, and I've never let him go there. But he's always made it clear that one day he will claim my ass). As I quietly begged him not to he said, "Shhh... shhhh... it's time to be a good girl for me, just relax". He began to push his finger in, I cried out, he pushed my head down onto his arm (he had a shirt on) to muffle me.
He fingered my ass, I whimpered and cried when he put a second finger in, he made me keep my ass raised for him and as he fingered my ass. I begged him to stop, told him he was hurting me. But that night he enjoyed hurting and using me, he told me to take the pain, he told me to cry, it will only make his cock harder.

I could have cried, it hurt so badly but I didn't want to give that to him. He wasn't going to get the satisfaction of seeing my tears.... My body trembled and quivered as he kept going, thrusting his fingers harder into me, faster. He kept my head pressed into him as I practically screamed for him to stop.
He tried calming me down, he slowed down, yet kept his fingers in me. He talked softly into my ear, in the smoothest soft voice, telling me to calm down, and relax my body... He moved his arm and laid my head into the pillow; he stroked my hair, and then started pushing his 2 fingers in and out my ass again... Telling me what a good girl I'm being, and how much I'm pleasing him. I lied there with my head in the pillow whimpering for him... I have no idea how long he did that... but it felt like such a long time. After he was done, I turned my body away from him lying on my side with my back to him.... I was partially angry at him... and again felt so used. He rubbed my back, my arms, my legs... his hands still on me... he never stops touching me. Again I fall asleep for a bit....

I wake up cold, the blanket is off of my body completely, I'm on my back and his hand is on my cunt, his mouth on my nipple and he puts another hand over my mouth. "Not a word, cunt".
I close my eyes, and remain quiet; lying there like the object I am for him. He toys with my body, licking my nipples, my breasts, pinching my pussy lips, my clit. I cry out - he smacks my face "I don't want to hear a sound from you."
I turn my head and look away from him...
He slips a finger to my clit, playing with it, rubbing it, I do my very best not to make a sound but its torture, absolute torture! I'm also so very tired and somewhat out of it... I just want to go back to sleep, but he continues with his game. I can't take it much longer and I slip, I moan, a soft quite moan.
He smacks my face, and then he instructs me to lie on my side. He lies down behind me on his side, reaches for my cunt, getting his fingers wet and then rubs them onto my ass hole....


I begin to tremble, I'm afraid to beg him not to do this, I'm afraid to stay quiet
He pushes one in... I lie there silent....
Then he places his cock against me
He moves his arm underneath my head and places his hand over my mouth. To be honest, at this point I'm scared to death - I hate anal, I fear it, it hurts me unbelievably.

His cock is still up against my hole, he hasn't pushed in. I can't understand what I did so wrong to deserve this tonight. He slowly starts to push in I scream out but his hand muffles me, I'm shaking, crying, he pushes more....

He then stops, and lies in that position with me for a few minutes. I don't dare try to say anything; the room is quiet except for my cries. He then tells me that I am to fall asleep in this position. He promises not to push any further. I can't believe he wants me to fall asleep like this - I think it's impossible.

His cock head is pushed into me somewhat, it's stretching me and hurting. His arm is still around my neck with his hand over my mouth. I lie there crying, he strokes my forehead and temple... I end up falling asleep.

I wake up close to 6, his cock is out of my ass and I'm sore. I rush to get home before anyone wakes up and notices sweet Joey missing from bed.