Thursday, December 29, 2005

I was always told...

to think before I speak.

I have a horrible habit of just talking. My whole life this has gotten me in trouble. When I was a little girl I was often yelled at and warned for what came out of my mouth. As a teenager it only became worse, and as I sat home punished on a Friday night, my dad would shake his head and say - Joey honey, how many times have I told you, you need to think before you speak. I'm notorious for it.

I'm grumpy today....
Earlier on I was talking to Morgan, during our conversation he said to me... "How come anytime I do something nice, you question it?" "Because I don't trust you". That was my reply - (I have a mirror by my desk) I looked at myself in the mirror in awe and thought - FUCK - did I just say that?!
He was upset, really truly upset... Soon afterwards he had to go... Later he called me back, angry and told me to think about this for a few days and call him then.
Well here I am thinking about all this, I've been thinking about this non-stop. I tried telling him that of course I trust him, he's my friend. But at the same time... I don't completely trust him. And he wants to know why. Morgan hasn't done anything for me to distrust him.... so why do I?

So, here you go Morgan, here are your reasons, as to why I don't trust you:
1. In a very important time of need, you were only partially there for me.
2. You tell me about plans you have, then you tell me about other plans - they always contradict
each other - what should I believe?
3. You don't know it, or you may, but somehow and somewhere along the last few years, I unintentionally fell for you, and you unintentionally hurt me. How can I trust someone who hurt me, even if it were unintentional.
4. Sometimes it has felt as though you keep our friendship a secret.
5. You know how to handle me, how to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to make me smile, no one has ever known all of that - it should give me more reason to trust in you, but since you've moved it makes me want to take a step back from you.
6. You've broken promises.

And here are reasons as to why I do trust you:
1. If there were a time I needed you, I know you would be there for me.
2. If there were a time you needed me, I would be there for you.
3. You're one of my closest friends and I know you would never hurt me.
4. You're a good person and you have a huge heart, and that is something rare.
5. You know how to handle me, how to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to make me smile,
how to make me open up, and no one has ever known all of that.
6. I can tell you and do tell you my deepest secrets.
7. I'm completely myself when I'm with you.
8. I care about you more than you know.

Morgan I trust you. I adore you, and I'm sorry for saying that.
Since you've been gone I'm filled with a million different emotions, and when I'm feeling uncertain, I second guess myself, I second guess you.

On another note, we have amazing sexual chemistry. And while I'm aware that you know that's not all we have, you make it feel that way sometimes. Before you moved we both agreed that we wouldn't be with anyone else physically. I was content with that. Maybe I was content with it because you were 8 minutes away from me, or because we saw each other almost every night in which we cuddled or fucked or kissed or just talked all night long. But now, keeping that decision, keeping that promise to each other confuses me. While it still assures us that we aren't with any one else... what else does it do?! It doesn't put you here for me to talk to, it doesn't allow us to see each other when we've had bad days, it doesn't let us cuddle at night watching tv, or go to dinner together, or actually see a movie with each other. So what are we doing??? I'm aware that you can't answer that, I'm not sure if I could…
And as I write down all these feeling for you to read, as I've now completely opened up my thoughts to you, I wonder if I'll regret this.... Maybe I should have said all this to you in person, I'm not sure that I could have.


Blogger kelly said...

That kind of reminds me of that scene in "Lier Lier" when Kerry's character tells his boss (or was it his colleague?), after she asks how their love making went, "I've had better." He can't believe he said that. He knows instantly that it was the wrong thing to say.
I wish I had some good advise. I'm many states away, but I feel a bit of your pain.


12/29/2005 1:01 PM  
Blogger magdelena said...

Beautiful Joey, never trade honesty for comfort. In my youth I thought too much before I spoke, so much that I never articulated my truth. I admire your ability to express how you feel, even if it is just here, on this page.

Certain things are never easy to say in person, and it doesn't get easier. We just have to grow in courage and acceptance of risk. Babe, I understand.

12/29/2005 8:26 PM  
Blogger Friendly Daddy said...

Does Morgan read your blog?

1/13/2006 11:02 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

No he doens't read it - this particular post I emailed to him.

2/03/2006 1:01 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home