Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Stupid girl

Never have I done something so completely idiotic.

I'm so very careful, painstakingly careful and I'm embarrassed and ashamed with what I did...

Last night I get imed by a guy that I've spoken with a few times. He's interested in D/s just like myself... It's a little before 3am when we begin talking, he asks if I'm free on Sat. night, I'm unsure (because I may want to keep my night open also I don't feel as though I know him well enough). We continue chatting and soon learn that we have a number of things in common including our religion, where we went to school, how our interest in D/s evolved, etc... Of course NOW I'm more interested and curious about him, we quickly move our conversation to the phone.
We go on chatting about work, friends, all that getting to know you stuff. He then proposes the idea that we meet in about an hour or so - hey it's something fun, take a chance! Blah Blah Blah... I decide to go for it.
A while later I find myself driving into the city at 4am, I speak to him, he's a tad annoyed that I'm running late, he tells me the plan of where to meet him, he'll meet me there, we'll say hi - if I'm unsure I can go, if not he'll blindfold me and take me to his apartment. All I could think of is - oooh yay, fun!

Something's wrong, and the one person i can talk to isn't home..
I've never done something this fucking dumb in my life
i'm at my office right now, i can't concentrate
i'm trying to just write, it's what I do best sometimes
it's not helping

i'm shaking, and honestly i could cry
i'm terribly embarrassed and don't want to tell you

Here goes
i met a guy, he blindfolded me and walked me to his apartment, i thought it was a fun idea.. he had me bound, gagged, and blindfolded, he played with me, checked in with me to see if i were ok during the play, i even think he wore a finger condom when he was touching me
... he fucked me
when it was time to go, he blindfolded me again, saying the night wasn't over and there was a surprise..
never have a been more dumb.
he got a cab, made a single stop, then another stop - to my car, that was the surprise, my fucking car.... He had me keep the blindfold on all the way to my car, we said goodbye, he kissed my cheek
I got in my car and it all hit me - i don't have his number, nor address, nor full name, for all i know he didn't use a condom.
I sit in my car and stare straight ahead for maybe 20 mins, i'm shaking, and have no one to tell this to
i finally pull it together, i try to email him but all i have is his aim name...
i pull out of the parking space and go get the morning after pill to be safe..
We didn't discuss what was and was not allowed - what is WRONG with me??!!!
but to give him the benefit.. he asked me if certain things were ok before doing them, if i shook my head no, he didn't do it

i've truly never been this dumb
it's not like me
i've gotten over eager and sloppy
i always follow my rules - why did i break them!!!???
i'm never impulsive - what the fuck is wrong with me?

i still have the rope tied to one of my wrists - i'm at the office, i came straight here
i've been here since 7:30am, it's so tight
i feel like i deserve it to be there
i deserve to have to lie to everyone about it when they ask me
the office is starting to fill, i won't be able to concentrate
i feel like i need to throw up, i can't sit here all day...

Well that was my first-hand, raw, as real as real could be reaction to what happened that morning. I later spoke to my friend, he had told me I was probably taped. Naturally, I freaked out again. I went through so much that day, that night, that week. I felt horrible, I couldn't believe what I had done, the situation I put myself into. The guy finally responded to me and said he used a condom. To get him to talk to me I had to pretend that I was into it all, that I wanted it again. He didn't want to see me again. Who knows if I was taped, I hope and wish with all of me that I wasn't.

It's now two month later - -
I wasn't hurt, I wasn't pregnant, and hopefully I wasn't recorded that morning.


Anonymous Pia said...

I was so happy to see a new post, until I read it, then i felt, sick for you.
I am glad for you that he wore a condom, I feel for you that you may have been taped, but if you were, out of 6 billion people, maybe 1000 people would see it, none will know you but all will enjoy it.
Be safe in that big city.

10/12/2008 2:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I sort of randomly came across your post. Riveting. I've done something very impulsive (and potentially dangerous) like that in the past and know exactly what you're going through. I don't believe I was taped and I do certainly hope you weren't either. Anonymous sex is like extreme sports, but just because you bungee jump once doesn't mean you're ready to base jump. You had a taste of it and at least you know the next time (if there is one) you'll be wiser and smarter than the last.

10/21/2008 1:05 PM  
Anonymous loli said...

don't be too hard on yourself, we all fuck up.
be safe little lady and know that you're awesome :)

11/03/2008 12:16 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Hi all,

Just wanted to thanks for reading my blog and I REALLY appreciate your comments!!

With love,
Joey Madison

11/04/2008 11:50 PM  
Blogger ♥♥♥♥♥ Jennifer™® ♥♥♥♥♥ said...

your blog is so good

5/01/2009 9:35 AM  
Blogger Camila said...

Hi, i also found you randomly.
i felt you raw story just like my own, just like if i would`ve written it
I also went through stupidity, (because honestly, smart educated people who let themselves get involved so easily in those situations have got to be stupid, at least i the moment right?)

I also couldnt believe myself.

But when time goes by, you`ll agree with me, about how much u grow and learn

Eve when u have rules, when your ethics dont match your actions.

Everything serves a propuse.

I was told the guy had aids after he did what he wanted and i didnt move.... and they lied to me because i denied sleeping with him.

For about an hour all i could think of was "how am i gonna tell my parents?"

Thanks whoever u worship we werent hurt, pregnant or ill....

8/15/2009 6:22 PM  

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