The Rut

Remember bad things happen in 3's. I was up to number two... and then number three came along. And while I was dealing with this I had been away from here, and away from everyone else's blogs - please forgive me - I promise to catch up.


Life has been somewhat quiet with Morgan gone. I now have quite the boring routine:
Work -> Home -> TV Shows, Dinner-> Sleep. I gotta fit the gym in there, ehh I'll start that next week.
He and I talk often and nothing has been resolved or figured out yet - mostly because we haven't seen eachother. I'm supposed to go up there the first weekend in November - it's still pending - but if I do go up, I'll be back with answers, many answers. I think I'm too nice to him, too caring, and too forgiving. I need to stop being like this, it's not fair to myself. So I plan on having it all out with him - everything, how I feel, how he makes me feel, and what the hell are we doing????

In the meantime, I've been low, low, low, on cash and took up a waitressing/bartending job. HA - Guess where?! THE BAR, yea the place Morgan had worked at. I've worked at this place before - yet a different location. I'm only working Saturday nights and mostly waitressing, it's not bad. There's something I love about the restaurant business.

I apologize for the boring post. But I'm in such a rut, let's hope things pick up soon.

On, off, on.... Off

TYD decided he wanted back, I wasn't sure if I should go there or not - mostly in fear that he'd back out - again. (We last left off when he had decided to end this but we still kept in touch and through that he had changed his mind.) He promised not to back out again, and I promised to be a better sub to him.... (I was a bit bratty).

We met in the park; I was instructed to bring rubber bands and my paddle brush. I expected to receive a severe spanking - it was certainly due. In our spot in the park he sits on the bench. I am on my knees in front of him; he lowers my shirt and then my bra. As he used to do, he gropes and fondles my breasts; he tells me I'm in for a bit of pain, I nod "Yes Sir". He asks for the rubber bands, placing one around each breast, then another and another and another, I end up losing count more than 5 less than 10ish?! God damn, they hurt and to make it worse, he squeezes and starts to slap them. At first, he hits each breast hard but goes slow. I whimper with each slap. As seconds pass he becomes more aggressive, the dominance grows, hitting my rubber banded tits harder and faster, over and over. I raise my shoulders and cover myself with my hands, hearing his annoyed voice "Move those hands away"... After doing that a few time me makes me put my hands on the back of my head which only; A) presented my tits better to him and B)I now had to make a conscious effort to keep my hands on my head - that was bad. The beating went on and on, in my moments of weakness all I could do to was hunch downward as to protect them. He pushed me up by my shoulders, and slap after slap to my tits. It stung, it burned, it hurt - a lot. I was on the verge of tears but not once did I plead for him to stop. During the beating I tried to embrace the pain, to take the pain my Dom is giving me with some sort of happiness - I couldn't though, and I couldn't believe I was doing this.
And I don't mean "this" as in the whole situation, I liked the situation, I like him using me, I mean "this" in that he was fully beating my tits, my girls - the girls I love and cherish, and who shouldn't be subject to something so, so painful.
When he finally stopped my tits felt hot, so hot. He pulled the rubber bands off then dragged his nails across the top of my tits just to torture me that much more.
TYD instructed me to take his cock out - I did, he let me suck it - asked me if I was happy and I certainly was - I enjoy sucking his cock. He then stood up, told me not to move my head (his cock still in my mouth) and proceeded to fuck my face well. He choked me with his cock completely and ends up cumming on my face.

Throughout the whole time we both had heard noises in the woods that lay behind the fence that surrounds the small park. He was creeped out and it was late so we left.

On my drive home, my breasts hurt so badly and I was in shock at what I had done. He really had beat them - I didn't cry though - that only made me see that it's extremely hard for me to completely let go and cry for someone in that matter. I think I need to have a real connection with the man who will bring me to tears for him during our sex play.

Once home I tended to my wounds - and oh boy was I wounded! My breast looked horrible. I didn't fine anything remotely erotic/hot about the giant (GIANT!!) bruises that covered them. They were past the blueish purple - they were redish and blue in color. I was ashamed and a little embarrassed. I didn't regret what I had done but I knew I was not going to do it again. I waited a few days before talking to TYD - I needed to be 100% sure that I wanted this to end.
I didn't end it because I didn't like what he had done - it's just that he's a bit of a sadist and I'm not a masochist. As a good friend of mine put it - I like to be used and not abused.
TYD needs a masochist, a girl who will crave the abuse and the pain....

This all happened quite a few weeks ago, it took at least 2 full weeks for my girls to heal.

He and I still chat - and only chat.

2AM Ramblings...

I had a long talk with Morgan tonight. He explained so much to me such as – he’s renting the house with an option to buy, which is a very big thing he didn't tell me, and he'll have to make that decision in June 06. More importantly we talked about what we had (sexual and not) and how it was amazing. We both expressed the same feelings in that the trust and the comfort and the things we did and explored were all things that we both never had with anyone else, it was amazing - and neither of us want to lose it. He wants to try to work something out (switch on weekends about who goes to whom?). Yet, more importantly he wants us to talk this out face to face.

Yea, exclusivity came up ... he kind of said "While we can't expect each other to be exclusive, in this kind of situation..." I said it too - but I didn't mean it. If Morgan could prove himself, if he could prove that the old Morgan (the fun loving, life living, non-depressed, I'm going to make Joey happy), Morgan was back (as he tells me that he is) I’d stay exclusive to him in a heartbeat. So, did he say that to see my reaction? - because maybe he really wants to stay exclusive - or did he say that because he meant it??!!? And I'm too much of a fucking chicken to ask and to stand up and tell him my exact feeling.
But I'm not a complete chicken...

He had been hanging out with a girl (blugh), she's sort of his neighbor up there, she's young and doesn't live up there but in the summer's she goes on the weekends. Well ends up that Ms. Thang and her family helped him move.... It made me feel kind of crappy. And then talking to him lately he'd constantly say "we", he was talking about him and her. It killed me, I wanted to put my fist through the wall (wouldn’t be the first time), or just lie down and cry. I didn't know what was going on but I knew he was spending time with her... Back to me not being such a coward - I told him how it bothered me. I pre-empted it with how I agreed with the stupid exclusive statement he had made, but at the same time I told him straight out how it hurt me when he told me about her and places they went and the things they did. He responded by telling me - "See, these are things you need to tell me and we need to talk about." NO SHIT ASSHOLE - but we haven't had a single conversation like this where I could have told him.

((I don't know where I'm going with this post - jut getting things out... so that maybe now that it's 2AM I'll be able to sleep.))

We end the convo somewhere along the lines of let's both think about all this and also figure out when I'm going to go up there and we’ll figure out more then.

"I miss you Joey"
"I miss you too"
"Goodnight"
"Goodnight"

...

The Return

I needed and crave it, my heart told me no but my loins and my being were screaming out to me. I succumbed to the pull, the force, the crave.

Earlier on I answered him yes and gave him a time.
I was home now and it was time to prepare. I double clicked open Limewire (so sue me I download music) opened my play-lists and chose Sex. Started my shower and collected all the items needed to prepare myself for tonight. Razors, scissors, lotion, conditioner, perfume, etc... With songs of sex and tempting beats filling the room, I stepped into my shower.

My drive to the house is one where I empty my mind and only keep on music in which makes me feel who I'm about to be.
I arrive, I park, I check the mirror, I lock my car and walk over to the house, I spit out my gum and am impressed with the distance (really such a lady - I know). Standing in front of the house, I walk up the three steps. I stop and look up - it's been such a long time; I feel nervous, I feel excited, I feel nauseous, I want to turn around and go home, I want to continue up the steps. I continue up the steps to the to the porch, taking in a deep breath and expelling it out I take a step towards his door - then I see him, which scares the hell out of me and I jump. He's sitting silently on the porch watching me; he usually greets me at the door. I walk over to him and quietly say hello. He places a thick black ski cap over my head and down over my eyes. He stands up, grabs the front of my throat tightly, all the feelings come rushing back into me - I'm his whore tonight, his sub, his slave, his fuck-toy and his rag doll.

He was angry that I haven't come to him in a long time, I knew he was going to treat me roughly, I knew his goal was to break me down, it was deserved.
He kisses me hard, I don't particularly like kissing him, and I often squirm or try to pull away in which he then holds my throat with a tighter grip. He sits back down and I descend to my knees before him, he pushes my head towards his crotch, I open my mouth and take my Master's cock like second nature. I begin sucking, he pets my head and says "good girl", I'm content. As I suck his cock, I feel him pulling down the straps of my tank top and bra they slide down my shoulder. I don't dare stop sucking as he undresses me; my tank top is pushed down below my breasts and then my bra is roughly pushed down. He holds my throat and my chin with one hand and his other on top of my head and he begins to control my movements, I'm uncomfortable being outside on his porch, I reason with myself and realize that the side of the house is on my left a table and chairs is on my right side and I'm between his legs, so I'm not really so out in the open. He then stands me up, I cover up my breasts immediately, he pushes my hands away, "Never cover this body from me". I'm not 100% comfortable standing naked as it is - worse I'm outside for the world to see - ugh. He removes my jeans, and pulls my shirt and bra off and now I'm suddenly much, much more aware of my nakedness.
He pushes me back to my knees. With his cock back in my mouth I hear every minute sound, and between being blindfolded and naked outside my senses are especially heightened. I suck his cock as I remember he likes it and I'm eager to please him, he notes it, "Ah, good girl you remember just how your Master like his cock sucked, good slave. Look at you, naked on your knees outside for all to see you serve me."

I hate being out on the porch, I wish it would end, it's too open I'm too exposed. "That's it feel the wind blow against that soft skin, feel the breeze rise up against that cunt. It better wet and dripping for me -." With that he moves my head away from his cock, reaches down and touches my pussy - "Mmm, dripping, just as a sluts pussy should be" I whimper at the first feeling of his fingers, I want more, but he moves them away. My mouth hungrily find his cock again, he shoves me down hard onto it, he chokes me, I whimper, my nails dig into his calves. I suddenly hear a car approaching, it stops (at the stop sign) in front of his house, I whimper quietly, and move in as close as possible. I feel scared, even a bit child like. I want him to hide me, protect me from others seeing me. "Do not remove my cock from that mouth" he says as he softly stokes my back ...... the car passes.

He led me up to his bedroom, the TV is on and blaring loud. I hate the TV being on, it becomes my enemy, its booming volume forcing me to listen even harder to his footsteps, to any surrounding sounds - my instinct I now rely on while blindfolded - my ears.
He turns me and pushes down onto my shoulder, I bend down onto my knees he then pushes me forward and I'm lying on his cold glass coffee table. I quickly become frightened, yet stay silent. The cold harshness of the table, it was the last place I had been in this house before I ran out months ago. I hate the feeling of the glass against my skin - it's a sign of relentlessness and punishment.
He places my hands behind my back, I hold my own hands, he lays my face down to one side with my cheek against the table now.
My body is quivering, I'm frightened, the god-damn TV is so loud and I can't hear a thing he is doing, I only hear CNN blaring with news reporter voices and diction filling my head. Suddenly I feel the hard slap of a paddle across my ass - once - I cry out, then again harder, I cry out again. "You will never run out on me again will you cunt?" I meekly say "No Sir". He touches my hands and my shoulder - I know to sit up, he turns me to him and kisses me, then pushes my head to his cock, I quickly find it and enthusiastically suck. "On all fours, like the little bitch you are" I quickly obey and then slightly part my legs before he tells me to. I feel so open in this position and degraded as well. On all fours, sucking and licking him, like a cock-hungry whore. But I love it; my pussy is dripping, dripping down onto my thighs.
He places a very thin collar over my head, it fits tightly around my neck and I feel a leash attached. I'm now his animal. He pulls at the collar, "C'mon plaything - up on the bed" I climb onto his bed - he lays me down and puts his cock (again) into my mouth. "You will swallow your Master's cum you will NOT pull away" I reply, "Yes Sir" but know I will pull away - it's my nature.

A few minutes go by, he pushes my head closer and I know he's going to cum. I pull away - he tries to hold me but he loses grip and I'm able to move my head away. He gets up onto his knees, over me holding my face. I grit my teeth as hard as I can and keep my lips closed, he pinches my nose and I know at some point I'll have to breathe .... I wait it out to the last minute then I try to be slick and not let him see me breath in, but the minute I loosened my lips he shoved his cock deep into my mouth, stretching it, hurting my throat. He held my head down hard and I couldn't move an inch, he fucks my throat, cums, I can barely swallow due the fact that his cock is so far down my throat, I can barely breathe. I manage to swallow, and just as I'm about to really start choking on his cock and his cum he pulls his cock away, quickly grabs hold of my mouth and my throat and forces me to swallow.
I sit up coughing and gasping for air, I'm so turned on it scares me. CT apologizes for having to do it that way but tells me if I don't cooperate there is no other way - but force. He goes to get me a glass of water....never knowing just how much that turned me on.

He then lays me down, making sure my head is comfortable on the pillows - I can tell he did laundry (as always) the sheets smell fresh. We lie quietly for a while as he touches my body - my lips, my pussy, my clit, my clit, his finger inside me now slowly in and out, his thumb on my clit... my back arches and I'm on the borderline of cumming for him. "That's it my pet, cum for me, cum for me, you deserve it" I cum hard and long for him... it felt deliciously good, we lay quietly again, he continues touching my body... I start to fall asleep, he then nudges my head and shoulders, I slink down the bed to his cock, I take it in my hand and am about to lean over his legs. "No toy" he says as he pushes me head away, "lie there by my feet". I lie next to his knees, on my side; I curl up, my back against his legs. He keeps the collar and leash tight, not letting me forget they are there. I almost feel like Princes Leia from Star Wars in the scene where Jabba the Hutt has her collared and on a leash next to him; that scene always did turn me on, seeing her like that -hmmm... no wonder... He strokes my head and I fall asleep.
I wake up to tugging on the collar and the ski cap still covering my eyes. He tugs again; I climb up to him and lie back down. "Time to make use of your holes, girl" He moves me to the middle of the bed and places a pillow underneath my head, he fixes the ski cap so that it's now pulled over the majority of my face, only my mouth and chin are exposed. I'm tired and groggy, I hear him putting a condom on, he's over me, spreads my legs with his knees. "This hole better be hungry and wet for me" His cock pushes into me a bit, I cry out - it hurts. (CT has the biggest cock I have ever! - Anytime he fucks me it hurts in the beginning but this time it was worse). He pushes further, I'm crying out... "What a very, very tight hole, take it cunt, take that pain, take my cock." He starts to fuck me harder; his cock still not fully inside me, the ski cap is starting to rise off of my face as he fucks me. "Can't let this come off - I don't care to see your face, you're my fuck object - a delicious young body with a tight hole, perfect tits and you just happen to have a gorgeous face, which I could care less to see right now". With that said he pulls the cap down over my face again leaving only my mouth and chin visible. He grabs my throat, squeezes and fucks me like an animal or you can say he fucks me just like a fuck object should be.
His cock still hurts me, but I'm happy to be used, it feels good. He instructs me to say that I'm his slave, his whore a few times throughout my cries. I do so, but beg him to stop; I tell him repeatedly it hurts... He then covers my mouth with his hands and tells me to shut the hell up; he doesn't care if he hurts his cunt. This turns me on so much more and my pussy increasingly becomes wetter.
He suddenly stops, yet leaves his cock inside me. "I love stretching your hole" I reply, "Thank you Sir".
I feel his lips on mine, kissing me...Then his hand is on face, and pinching my nose his other hand is holding my chin, his mouth is on my lips and kissing me again, but I can't seem to breathe between the kisses (as one normally does). I try to but I can't he prevents me - there are no between the kisses - he keeps his lips on mine. Then I feel his hips gyrating into me, slowly moving his cock inside my pussy. I start to squirm and I try to take a breath again, though this time I can - it's his breath, it comes from him. This is weird, it feels weird. I soon discover that I can only breathe when he gives me the air to. Overall I'm a bit panicked, but I trust him. Gyrating his cock into me, while breathing into my lungs. I didn't feel human... I didn't know what I felt but it was so weird. I think at that moment I really did feel like an object. His huge hand over my face holding my face while he filled my lungs with his breath, during which the whole time he gyrates and fucks my hole.

He finishes fucking me; I fall asleep next to him. Hours later I wake up it's about 5AM -the ski cap is off of my face, his hand is over my mouth, he pulls the collar tightly as he stretches my pussy with this cock one last time.

I go home tired and used. I sneak into my home - step into the shower, wash away the slut, the whore, the slave and the fuck toy I had been. I step out of the shower, climb into bed and fall asleep as if Joey-the-good-girl has been there all night long.