Friday, October 07, 2005

2AM Ramblings...



I had a long talk with Morgan tonight. He explained so much to me such as – he’s renting the house with an option to buy, which is a very big thing he didn't tell me, and he'll have to make that decision in June 06. More importantly we talked about what we had (sexual and not) and how it was amazing. We both expressed the same feelings in that the trust and the comfort and the things we did and explored were all things that we both never had with anyone else, it was amazing - and neither of us want to lose it. He wants to try to work something out (switch on weekends about who goes to whom?). Yet, more importantly he wants us to talk this out face to face.

Yea, exclusivity came up ... he kind of said "While we can't expect each other to be exclusive, in this kind of situation..." I said it too - but I didn't mean it. If Morgan could prove himself, if he could prove that the old Morgan (the fun loving, life living, non-depressed, I'm going to make Joey happy), Morgan was back (as he tells me that he is) I’d stay exclusive to him in a heartbeat. So, did he say that to see my reaction? - because maybe he really wants to stay exclusive - or did he say that because he meant it??!!? And I'm too much of a fucking chicken to ask and to stand up and tell him my exact feeling.
But I'm not a complete chicken...

He had been hanging out with a girl (blugh), she's sort of his neighbor up there, she's young and doesn't live up there but in the summer's she goes on the weekends. Well ends up that Ms. Thang and her family helped him move.... It made me feel kind of crappy. And then talking to him lately he'd constantly say "we", he was talking about him and her. It killed me, I wanted to put my fist through the wall (wouldn’t be the first time), or just lie down and cry. I didn't know what was going on but I knew he was spending time with her... Back to me not being such a coward - I told him how it bothered me. I pre-empted it with how I agreed with the stupid exclusive statement he had made, but at the same time I told him straight out how it hurt me when he told me about her and places they went and the things they did. He responded by telling me - "See, these are things you need to tell me and we need to talk about." NO SHIT ASSHOLE - but we haven't had a single conversation like this where I could have told him.

((I don't know where I'm going with this post - jut getting things out... so that maybe now that it's 2AM I'll be able to sleep.))

We end the convo somewhere along the lines of let's both think about all this and also figure out when I'm going to go up there and we’ll figure out more then.

"I miss you Joey"
"I miss you too"
"Goodnight"
"Goodnight"

...

9 Comments:

Blogger Arashi-KIshu said...

tsk tsk tsk...good and bad. Go get him Joey! Fight for yer man!

10/07/2005 9:46 AM  
Blogger Joey said...

Thanks Cat!

10/07/2005 10:22 AM  
Anonymous Carl said...

This is from a guy's point of view...

I think he's stringing you for a ride - if I really want to be with you, then you would be the one helping me move, not the other chick.

He may be "test-driving" her, and you are the spare, in case the other girl doesn't work out.

10/07/2005 7:25 PM  
Blogger magdelena said...

Joey, my love you must listen to your heart on this. Clearly you still have much to talk about with Morgan, and it's great that you have had this conversation. You have needed to talk for a while.

I don't know that Carl is right, maybe. We often hedge our bets in life, it's a cruel truth but a common enough fact.

I think the bottom line is to be bone achingly honest because if he isn't for you, you need to know. Yes it would break your heart but you've endured the seperation so you have the strength to endure the end. However if he is the one (even the one for now), you need to know that too.

Keep talking and always be honest. Always. I fall in love so easily. I've had my heart shattered and in that darkness, I've felt a tender hand take mine and lead me back into pleasure.

The truth is, there are literally millions of people to bat at and that's something worth remembering. There are so many amazing people out there, and you are one of them. Turn your attentions to yourself, it's not selfish it's real. Create the life you want my darling, it won't come and find you.

10/07/2005 9:34 PM  
Anonymous Sasha White said...

I agree, if you want him. FIght for him. tell him. Even if you have to write it all in a letter, and read the letter to him. Don't NOT say these or you will regret what Might've been.

10/12/2005 3:51 AM  
Blogger Oswald Croll said...

Joey....any man who doesn´t chose to come back to you ...doesnt deserve you

10/12/2005 5:16 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Thanks guys!

10/12/2005 11:15 PM  
Blogger PhillySexGod said...

Just make sure if you go back with him, that you and I get a little playtime first ;)

PSG

10/16/2005 11:54 AM  
Blogger Emmanuel.K.Bensah II said...

Thanks for the link, Joey. Just go it today. Sounds like you are in love with this guy.

But, pls be careful about him not putting you up as "spare", like Carl said.

You are too precious to be dealt that horrible blow.

Good luck--your bloggers are right behind you--rooting for ya!!;-)

xx

10/25/2005 6:11 AM  

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