Thursday, December 29, 2005

I was always told...

to think before I speak.

I have a horrible habit of just talking. My whole life this has gotten me in trouble. When I was a little girl I was often yelled at and warned for what came out of my mouth. As a teenager it only became worse, and as I sat home punished on a Friday night, my dad would shake his head and say - Joey honey, how many times have I told you, you need to think before you speak. I'm notorious for it.

I'm grumpy today....
Earlier on I was talking to Morgan, during our conversation he said to me... "How come anytime I do something nice, you question it?" "Because I don't trust you". That was my reply - (I have a mirror by my desk) I looked at myself in the mirror in awe and thought - FUCK - did I just say that?!
He was upset, really truly upset... Soon afterwards he had to go... Later he called me back, angry and told me to think about this for a few days and call him then.
Well here I am thinking about all this, I've been thinking about this non-stop. I tried telling him that of course I trust him, he's my friend. But at the same time... I don't completely trust him. And he wants to know why. Morgan hasn't done anything for me to distrust him.... so why do I?

So, here you go Morgan, here are your reasons, as to why I don't trust you:
1. In a very important time of need, you were only partially there for me.
2. You tell me about plans you have, then you tell me about other plans - they always contradict
each other - what should I believe?
3. You don't know it, or you may, but somehow and somewhere along the last few years, I unintentionally fell for you, and you unintentionally hurt me. How can I trust someone who hurt me, even if it were unintentional.
4. Sometimes it has felt as though you keep our friendship a secret.
5. You know how to handle me, how to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to make me smile, no one has ever known all of that - it should give me more reason to trust in you, but since you've moved it makes me want to take a step back from you.
6. You've broken promises.

And here are reasons as to why I do trust you:
1. If there were a time I needed you, I know you would be there for me.
2. If there were a time you needed me, I would be there for you.
3. You're one of my closest friends and I know you would never hurt me.
4. You're a good person and you have a huge heart, and that is something rare.
5. You know how to handle me, how to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to make me smile,
how to make me open up, and no one has ever known all of that.
6. I can tell you and do tell you my deepest secrets.
7. I'm completely myself when I'm with you.
8. I care about you more than you know.

Morgan I trust you. I adore you, and I'm sorry for saying that.
Since you've been gone I'm filled with a million different emotions, and when I'm feeling uncertain, I second guess myself, I second guess you.

On another note, we have amazing sexual chemistry. And while I'm aware that you know that's not all we have, you make it feel that way sometimes. Before you moved we both agreed that we wouldn't be with anyone else physically. I was content with that. Maybe I was content with it because you were 8 minutes away from me, or because we saw each other almost every night in which we cuddled or fucked or kissed or just talked all night long. But now, keeping that decision, keeping that promise to each other confuses me. While it still assures us that we aren't with any one else... what else does it do?! It doesn't put you here for me to talk to, it doesn't allow us to see each other when we've had bad days, it doesn't let us cuddle at night watching tv, or go to dinner together, or actually see a movie with each other. So what are we doing??? I'm aware that you can't answer that, I'm not sure if I could…
And as I write down all these feeling for you to read, as I've now completely opened up my thoughts to you, I wonder if I'll regret this.... Maybe I should have said all this to you in person, I'm not sure that I could have.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Bumblefuck, NY

I can't believe that I have not posted in about a month now - but I can believe it - Tis the season to be very busy. Holiday's bring mass craziness to my life just like everyone else.

Before going up to Morgan's new home. We had some long discussions, in the end he wanted to stay physically committed to each other (yet no title)... bullshit if you ask me and at the same time it made me happy to hear. Ugh I'm becoming one of those stupid girls... please someone stop me.... moving along.

Morgan's place is amazing, it's beautiful there, him and the chocolate monster are happy. I really do see an improvement in him... He's his old self again and I was so happy to see that.

I arrived late Saturday night, driving into a bit of a snowstorm, we hung out, chatted, watched some tv together... it was a little awkward at first but soon enough we were both feeling comfortable. Later that evening we had fun together... I just let things be and didn't act any particular way - I was just Joey.

Sunday morning I woke up late, Morgan was up early and watching TV. When I finally stepped out of bed, out to his living room, I saw such a gorgeous view:

Yes, that's his backyard, amazing. That Sunday morning it was lightly snowing and the only word I can use to describe it, is enchanting. He then cooked me breakfast (I didn't even know he could cook!) and we just relaxed. Later that day he took me into town, we drove around, and I got a tour of his town. It's sweet and quaint it's in a place I like to call Bumblefuck, NY. We then went back to his house and watched some Sunday football. (Yup, I'm girl who actually likes watching football.) Somewhere during the 4th quarter of the Jets losing game (what's new?!) Morgan pulled my clothes off... I pulled his off...

I know I usually fill you all in with the juicy details... but let's just say much fun was had.

Though I had this reaction, a reaction I couldn't stand to bear. After each time he made me orgasm there were tears... I think they were tears of sadness, but I couldn't tell. Don't worry, I didn't let him see (I'm slick like that). But for the life of me I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. This didn't only happen Sunday night, it happened each and every fucking time. I'm not one of those women, so why in the world was I crying?!

A little update:

Morgan calls me about a million times a day... Seriously the guy calls me at least 3 times during the work day and usually again in the evening - great I know. But there's been no development with where we are. We were planning on me going up again in January, he misses me, misses the sex, misses us, misses our kinky nights experimenting, misses watching football with me... and so on. I don't know what to do here folks. I think I need to back away, I think I have him in an area in that if I back away from him, maybe he'll just realize the person he may lose.

I met someone new... and I'll get into that with all of you in my next post, it's certainly interesting. I told Morgan I met someone... I'm not sure how he took it; I couldn't read him at all. But maybe with this new guy lurking about, Morgan will make some more solid decisions. I still miss him terribly. And I still can't figure out why in the world the tears were flowing after each orgasm?!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Happy Holidays, X-Mas, Chaunukkah, Kwanzaa and all that!