Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Too far from me

I'm a little hesitant to post - because I don't know the whole deal with what is going on - so this is all mostly on my own speculation.


Morgan is leaving.

He is moving - away, far away.
Too far for me to see him each night. Too far for me to run to when I'm having an awful day and need him to hold me. Too far for me to run to when I'm having a great day and want to share it with him.
Too far from me.

I haven't officially spoken to him about everything yet - but I know he signed on a house too far from me. I know he quit his jobs. I know his current apartment is paid for till November, and then he'll be leaving - who knows maybe he'll be leaving before that.

WHY IS EVERY GOD-DAMN SONG ON THIS FREAKING RADIO SOME KIND OF SAD SONG!! I'M AT WORK I REALLY DON'T WISH TO BE A MESS AND CRYING HERE. I'M TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER BUT THE FUCKING RADIO IS MAKING IT EXTREMELY HARD FOR ME!!

I love him, I love Morgan.
Why the hell is he breaking my heart?! Why is he hurting me like this??
Why the hell did he want to be "exclusive" if he was only going to leave me. Why did he tell me so many things we were going to do together if he was only going to move too far from me???

I don't want to hear the "It'll be ok's" or the "It'll work out in the end" or the "If you two are meant to be then you'll end up together" or the "If you love it let it free - blah, blah, blah".
I never had such a good relationship with someone before. Amazingly I never wanted to change him (I always want to change something about a guy when I'm with him); he was just perfect as is. I was never so open with someone before, I trust him 100 percent (again - I never fully trusted anyone). He handles me well, he reads me well, he knows my every mood, and he knows just what to do when I'm sad, hurt, angry...(No-one else knew that). Sexually - well I don't even need to tell any of you about that, our sex life is AMAZING.

I want him; I don't want him to leave me. I can't lose my best friend like this, but I think it's inevitable.


So who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?

Well last night I called BFWB, prolly the only other person who knows me like a book. He knew something was wrong... We met up outside somewhere, I sat on my car and we talked. We only talked about Morgan for a few minutes, other than that he told me stories about work, and friends and made me laugh and forget about Morgan for about an hour or two...

Then back home I went - to only then find out that Morgan signed on the house.

20 Comments:

Blogger Innocuous Male said...

Oh dear...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. The timing is awful, as you say -- rigth after promising exclusivity, and all...

I have IM access at work, myself, if you want to chat. I'll ping you if you wish...

I.M.

9/07/2005 11:19 AM  
Blogger magdelena said...

Why is he leaving sweetheart?
I appreciate that you don't know all the details yet, maybe they will help you make some sense of this. Right now your mind is racing for answers so you need to speak with Morgan asap. In the meantime, and anytime you know you're welcome to email me. Plus I can vouch for I.M. He has a good heart and a fine sensitivity.

Love to you, take care and stay in touch.

9/07/2005 11:33 AM  
Blogger Carl from L.A. said...

You have two choices:

1. Go with him. Is there a reason why you can't move to where he's at? How far is far?

2. Move on without him. You're still young, Joey, and there are plenty of fine men out there who'd be thrilled to be with you. Give yourself some time to find somebody else.

9/07/2005 12:39 PM  
Anonymous Sasha said...

Men baffle me, I've never had a relationship. All I can say is, I hope it all works out. It would benice to hear abotu a relationship blooming for once.

((hugs))

9/07/2005 1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im sorry to hear it Joey...men can be so damn frustrating sometimes. keep your chin up, it may all work out for the better eventually.

BIG HUGS :o)

9/07/2005 3:58 PM  
Blogger Oswald Croll said...

Turn to yourself. The great thing about pain is that the more your go through, the less it hurts. No soothing words, shit just happens sometimes. On the bright side, if you believe in karma, you're due one hell of a good time in the future.

Sorry to hear,
Os

9/07/2005 5:00 PM  
Blogger chelsea girl said...

Hey Joey Madison,

I'm sorry you're losing your Morgan to distance and time. It's hard to look at bright maps and see those tiny inches mocking you with their symbolic miles.

There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel good.

You can't fault us for trying, though.

Cyber hugs to you.
CG

9/07/2005 10:43 PM  
Blogger PhillySexGod said...

Hang in there, Joey.

We're all pulling for your happiness, no matter how it comes about.

PSG

9/08/2005 12:30 AM  
Blogger figleaf said...

"WHY IS EVERY GOD-DAMN SONG ON THIS FREAKING RADIO SOME KIND OF SAD SONG!! I'M AT WORK I REALLY DON'T WISH TO BE A MESS AND CRYING HERE. I'M TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER BUT THE FUCKING RADIO IS MAKING IT EXTREMELY HARD FOR ME!!"

and

"So who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?"

Holy cow do I ever remember that feeling! There's a helplessness to being left that's like nothing other. That you're being left on (effectively) good terms only makes it worse. And you're right, every goony, vapid, airhead song on the flipping radio just goes right through you and the ones that usually bounce right off often go, humiliatingly, the deepest.

You don't deserve it. The only consolation I can offer, and it's not something that can help right away, is that after it happened to me, and after I (eventually) recovered and bumped through a couple of brief relationships, I met my current partner and I really couldn't be happier.

Sometimes we can't hold on to what we want most, but hold on to *who* you are. When people ask how you're doing be like the guy in the emergency room who said "for someone with a compound fracture I'm pretty well." The point being that through heartbreak and pain, through sleeplessness and denial, negotiation and tears, you'll survive and, eventually, thrive.

I never thought I would. But I did. You will too.

With all my heart I wish it were different for you.

Take care, Joey,

figleaf

9/08/2005 3:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about getting together and decide to live the rest of your life as husband and wife if you love each other and will be committed to one another? That way, you could be moving with him.

9/08/2005 6:40 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Hi Everyone,
I can't thank you all enough for all the kind words and support you've given me.

I feel lonely, so lonely. There's no one that I can really go rest my head upon their shoulder and just cry it out.
BFWB has been supportive but in that -I-don't-want-to-talk-about-your-problem-but-I'll-make-you-laugh-with-my-stories- kind of way. My sister, I told her today I cried, she gave me a quick hug and then said - I don't understand you told me he might be signing on a house, she then left me to my tears and went to go change.

So all your comments that I've received (god this is going to sound pathetic-ish) but I read them over and over... hoping and hoping they'll make my tears go away - and that they'll make me feel just a wee bit better. And they do - they make me feel a wee bit better, but just for a few seconds... Just till it all comes rushing back to me that he's not going to be here anymore.

But thank you all so much, right now this blog and all your comments (and emails) have become my shoulder to cry on.

- JoeyMadison

9/08/2005 11:11 PM  
Anonymous faith said...

Aw. =( Shit happens in life and it can't be helped. I'm so sorry to hear this.

"So who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?"

*sighs* Don't you just hate the feeling of helplessness and the lack of control of it all?? Love and life are unfair. But keep your chin up, girl. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

9/09/2005 1:21 AM  
Blogger Oswald Croll said...

* CYBER HUG *

9/09/2005 10:30 AM  
Anonymous Zithereen said...

So sorry to hear about this, especially since he seems not to have told you what he's about to do.

Get to the bottom of it.

9/10/2005 1:06 AM  
Blogger celtic gypsy said...

Talk to him. Ask him the questions you really want the answers to. I know that it hurts to talk about, but it hurts even more to not know. You deserve to be happy. It may be that he hopes you want to go with him, but does not know how to tell you. You will never know until you sit him down and talk to him. Just remember to be specfic with your questions, so there is not any confusion to add to the stress. It could, also, be that he just needs a change in life and moving is the best change for him right now. Talk to him. All of us are here for you, wishing the best for you. I send you my loving comforting hug.
Nat

9/10/2005 2:08 AM  
Blogger W. S. Cross said...

I found you at Magdalena and I love your avatar. But you're hurting, and your hurt resonates through me. So wonderfully expressed, so sad. I know about sadness, my novel is about a woman who loses it all and then gains her desires. I wish you the best in finding yourself.

9/10/2005 8:10 PM  
Blogger Arashi-KIshu said...

Ouch sweetie. Hope it goes for the best. I don't what to speculate what Morgan's motives are, because I might be wrong.

Whatever it is, I hope its not a bullshit reason. You deserve a proper explanation.

9/11/2005 9:23 PM  
Anonymous Nicky said...

Joey
Don't kick yourself because this has happened. Don't think that you shouldn't have loved him because you are feeling hurt...
Your life seems like a reflection of mine in one abstract way or another...
It's shit he is leaving...total crap. Whatever comes your way you'll handle it. Sometimes it's nice to lean on somebody but then they fucking move and you end up falling over. And yes every soppy song you probably took the piss out of before, now reminds you of him. I bet he's perfect.

9/12/2005 3:59 AM  
Blogger Breathless After Dark said...

Damn Joey....I'm so sorry that all this is happening. Do you think there is anyway that you guys can make it work?

9/12/2005 10:59 PM  
Blogger straight sambucca said...

Yeah Joey, I would talk to him about it! If he's going anyway, you're not losing anything by talking to him, and you might just gain something!

Good luck!

9/13/2005 6:45 AM  

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