Friday, September 23, 2005

How it Came to be - Part II

The Downward Spiral...
Initially, I thought it was bullshit - pure bullshit - how could he feel like this and why?! Things were bad between them, and he had been cheating on her (with me) for a little over a year now. Nevertheless, I started to realize Morgan loved Q; the loss of her, his best friend, the person he was closest to ever in his life was gone, and her family was gone as well - it hit him hard. In his time of need his closest friends all took a step back and decided to wait it out (so to speak). He still went out here and there so that he'd fool us.... but slowly throughout the next six months Morgan became progressively worse.
When he quit his band, it hit me how absolutely depressed he was - for someone to stop doing what they love - their passion, is a very grave moment.

His life became pretty mundane and routine. The only thing he enjoyed was his job, The Chocolate Monster (his puppy), and prolly the time spent with me. Our weeks would consist of Monday - Thursday: Work and then out with guys from work for about an hour or so, they'd go to the bar for a couple of drinks. By time I got home, Morgan was home and on most nights I would go over to his place (by the way he moved out of first floor of the house he and Q occupied to something much worse, dark, dank - we called it the dungeon). We'd talk a lot, watch some DVD's of the Simpsons, or Family Guy (he had no cable and didn't care to get it), massage each other, and sometimes have sex. Friday's: he'd work, then work at the Bar, I'd go hang out and later end up at his place - often sleeping over. Weekends: Saturdays nights were spent together almost always. We'd rent a movie and then progressively (as you've read) our sex life became very experimental and exciting, and we called Saturday nights - "Our crazy Saturdays". Sunday evenings were spent together as well.
Morgan had set-backs; he had a lot of unresolved issues with Q in the beginning. From them living together and separating objects (it was like a divorce), to her friends (guys) getting involved and some pretty immature "shit went down" including fighting and you pretty much just had to keep and eye on you're back.
He was a rollercoaster - but I expected that through the year. He would get sad and depressed. Some nights I'd go over when he was like this, we'd have long conversations or just watch tv - but no matter what we did, he'd feel better when it was time for me to go. And other nights he didn't want to see anyone, including me.

Rock Bottom
About 6 months ago, he stopped calling me, didn't return my calls or take them when I called his job and his cell was turned off at about 6/7 p.m. Something was very wrong, I'd drive by his house every night after that gym to make sure that at least he was home, he always was. But I wouldn't let him get away with whatever he was pulling off... so I showed up at his house early one day, and just kept banging on the door till he answered. It was worst I had ever seen him; he looked horrible, and sick. I yelled at him, asked him what the hell was going on, he told me he had to stop doing everything and just go to bed early - I didn't understand...
Morgan was doing drugs - and I'm talking more than a little weed here and there - but I had no idea. He was doing coke, not often but often enough that it had scared him. He decided to detox himself, hence him going home and straight to bed each night. He told me that he wasn't going to be around for a while, that he needs to do this. I yelled at him, I screamed, I cried, I felt so dumb and naive that I didn't notice all this, I felt that he was gone.... he hit rock bottom and there was nothing at all I could do to help him - I was useless. Before I left, I had calmed myself down and told him that if there was anything he needed at all, at anytime, to just call me and I'll always be there for him. I got into my car and felt awful, seriously am I THAT naive not to see this??!! Oh gosh, I cried all the way, I cried into my sisters arms that night, I cried the next two weeks for there was nothing in the world I could do for him anymore.
Morgan called me about two weeks later, he wanted to talk. To make this somewhat shorter Morgan decided that if he couldn't do this by himself then he had already visited a Rehab in which he would check himself into...

A Ray of Light
Morgan cleaned himself up, he stopped associating with the wrong people. He even saw a doctor so that he had someone to talk to and help him with his depression....
Then our crazy summer began. Throughout the summer we became closer than ever and I started to realize my deep feelings for him.
When we had our talk about being exclusive it also included a lot about him going out again and moving and he said I deserved more and that he wanted to make me happy. It made me so happy just to hear all that, if finally seemed as though the depression and shock and heartache were all passing.

The Conclusion
So that's pretty much the story of Morgan and me. Many parts were left out; such as the time he went upstate, didn't come home when he was supposed to, cell was off and I was left to calling hospitals looking for him. I left out the many times he thanked me for being an amazing friend and sticking around. He told me numerous times how much he appreciated everything I had done. I left out the time (very early on) when he started hanging out with some other girl and I suddenly got left behind - he stopped seeing her right away when he noticed that it hurt me. I left out the part, when very, very recently he came home from being upstate (before he moved up there) with a brochure for a Rodeo that we would go to. I was ecstatic!! I wanted to jump on the bed, I was so happy. I had never told him that I always wanted to go to a rodeo, but he knew - because he knows me and he listens.

Life with Morgan these last few years has had so many ups and downs, just when I thought we made it and the ride has come to an end, it suddenly dropped.

Since he's moved we've spoken three times. Once 2 weeks ago, once last week, and yesterday. During our first conversation he told me all about his new house and his new job and how happy he is. A week later he called me and we caught up on what's been going on, well he did most of the talking. Lately he's a bit consumed with himself and I can't really get much of a word in. It's ok because it's all so new to him but it was annoying as well. He asked me when I was going up to see him - I replied, when are you having me. We decided in a few weeks.

Last night was a breakthrough. He sincerely apologized for how he went about the whole moving thing in the wrong way. He said that this was the best thing he could have ever done for himself, but at the same time he realized that I got the shit end of the deal. He asked me how I was doing, I told him it was hard without him home, I told him how getting home from work and not speaking to him and seeing him every night was a huge change and hard to deal with at first... He told me that things have calmed down he's going to change that (well not the seeing part so much) but he misses me and wants to talk more often. We tried to figure out when I was going to see him... he also told me he might be back down on Saturday (I played a little hard to get) and told him I might be away on Sat. Over the next few day's we are going to plan my visit up there. I'm a little reluctant to go, like I'd be hurting myself over again by spending a weekend with him, sleeping with him and all that. But I need to see him, I miss him dearly. We talked for while last night - he joked about me going up there on weekends - I told him yea right. He mentioned something about us, about what we were... whatever that was... it's sort of confusing to write about - but I'm sure when I see him, we'll have that talk that we've all been waiting for. He told me that he missed me, I said the same.
Anyway it was great to talk to him last night; it felt like he was still 6 minutes away from me...

A friend of mine has told me for years that I forgive too easily - maybe I do... It's a lesson I'll learn I guess.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I was Morgan, or had a JoeyMadison in my life. You are so pure and honest and real. Most of the women I meet are awful, their souls are almost as corrupt as their skin.

9/23/2005 4:20 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Anon - I wish I knew who you were?! Thanks for the genuine compliment!

9/23/2005 5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the annoymous Poster again...I am Matthew...I put up a tack for Maine. Much love for you in VacationLand, I have turned on some friends to your site as well.

9/23/2005 5:49 PM  
Anonymous Sasha said...

Joey, don't try to harden your heart and not be so open. I went through something similar to what you're going through, and I never forgave, and I have a very hard time trusting. I wish I could go back to being as open as I used to be.

Good Luck!

9/23/2005 8:28 PM  
Blogger Oswald Croll said...

I agree with Sasha. The bigg reason I tune in to see what you are up to is because you do wear it on your sleeve and are genuine and honest. Anything short of that would not command such interest.

9/25/2005 2:55 PM  
Blogger magdelena said...

Hello babe,

After reading this, the whole situation makes a lot more sense so thanks for being brave enough to fill in those blanks. I wonder if retelling the story for us helped you, sometimes it does.

I understand your reluctance to go, but talking in the flesh is so essential. Just to hold each other once more, it's one of those beyond words communications that feed the soul. Keep talking with him, communication is all.

9/25/2005 8:29 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

i thought it would help me but i think about our story, our beginnings, our middles, and the ends, over and over and over... it doesn't help. It doesn't sort out a damn thing, or maybe just tonight it doesn't.

Yea, I'm having one of those bad nights. I spoke to him earlier he made me hate him. He talks about this girl often, she's his neighbor upstate. She's goes up there on the weekends but for some reason he was with her and her friends last night in NJ. He slept over and then today they went rock climbing We end the convo in im telling me i have to get up there to see him and his new house and we'll talk tomorrow about which weekend.
They could be friends - they are friends, she's young and she lives with her parents, whom he knows very well... so maybe i'm overreacting here. But i'm sad, so so so so sad i wish this could all just go away. Just make it all go away. i thought i was better, i thought i can handle this - but i can't....
He and i need to talk, i know. i know i need to see him and talk face to face and figure this all out... even if in the end it's just to end whatever we were... even if in the end it's just so that i might finally tell him I love him...

i'm sorry for the long post folks. i'm just upset and sad and had to get it out...

9/25/2005 11:28 PM  
Blogger diamond_blue said...

It's always hard to be 'the other girl' because even if he makes you feel special, almost always you're last or at the bottom of his priority list. I've experienced what you're going through right now and I can tell you that you're very lucky. Lucky because you can still talk to him and find some sort of closure for what you and Morgan are or were.

I've never had closure in my relationship and that left me hanging with all my shoulda, coulda, woulda's. Whatever happens, knowing that you've closed a certain chapter in your life would give you peace of mind in the long run.

Don't stop wearing your heart on your sleeve lest you end up being a big cynic like me.

9/26/2005 1:30 AM  
Blogger quanzer said...

Joey, I hope all goes well and I hope you get up to see him soon. I'm glad that he at least was able to apologize (the third damn time you talked). Maybe he's a little confused about how he's supposed to talk to you now. Just get up there and talk to him so he knows the way it's gotta be.

9/26/2005 12:27 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Quanzer - I will do!

9/26/2005 9:15 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel.K.Bensah II said...

IMHO, diamond's views should not go amiss, cos I reckon what she says is a good point--at least you have closure, and this is SO critical in any relationship.

I am just a week from having done a stoopid thing that has led my girlfriend to re-think her relationship with me. In fact, she just wants to be friends, but because I SO want her back, I am going to fight by hook or by crook. Women like her just don't come along every day...

As for you Joey, at least knowing that Morgan is a friend is important. I couldn't bear to lose the friendship of my gf, despite the fact that she wants to "be friends". I think guys take it differently but the pain is definitely universal!

Please keep heart!

9/28/2005 12:54 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel.K.Bensah II said...

On another note, I wrote up my troubles with my gfriend, and you cannot believe how cathartic that was. So, pls, Joey, write away!!

This morning, I wrote an imaginary letter to my gf in which it started "I hate you. I hate you so much, because of what you are doing to me. Truth is I love you..."

I later tore the letter up. It was good, cos it got my feelings out.

You might like to try it, Joey. Might give you some piece of mind.

9/28/2005 12:59 PM  

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