Aches of the Heart

I cried, I wept, I sobbed... for what felt like days on end.

On Friday I felt a bit better, I told myself I needed to view this from a different perspective. I needed to look at this optimistically. I realized how excited Morgan was each time I spoke to him (for the few minutes), I realized how he was helping himself by moving, this was good for him.

I'm reluctant to write, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of draining myself - literally (I have either strep or mono - went to the doc today she said it was due to high amounts of stress)....

So when Morgan called my job on Friday, I seemed happy (at least to him), I congratulated him on his new house (something I hadn't done) and he said thank you so much Joey. He apologized and told me he didn't mean to hurt me, that this all came about so quickly.

Where do I start all this - there's a lot most of you are in the dark about - First off - I knew Morgan was looking to move.
I just didn't know he'd really move 3 1/2 hours away, and I didn't know his move would be immediately.

I drove him to work on Friday night (to the Bar - his last night) we talked, but it wasn't the talk we really should of had. But I was ok with that - for now. I told him that I posted about him moving; I told him how you all were so amazingly supportive. He was surprised and impressed, and said just wait till I make my big come-back... lol
I asked him about our toys, he said they were boxed up, I told him he's not allowed to use them with anyone else (maybe this was dumb to say, but I wanted to see his reaction), he replied, "And who in the world would I use them with?"

.... Moving on....

Later, later, later that night (we're talking 2:45am) I went to the Bar - it was his last night there, I had to show. We all hung out, 3 shots of Petrón Tequila later, I took him home. In the car, he held my hand (something he's never really done, except during sex) he kissed me, told me he's never been in this situation. I could have said it then and there, I could have told him I loved him... but he was drunk and it wasn't the right time. We went to his house, I played and kissed The Chocolate Monster (his dog, who I'll miss very much as well), we had sex, during it he told me that this won't end, that in a few weeks I'll come up to see his new place....
Tears fell, but he didn't see, nor did I want him to.

Afterwards the silly drunk man that he was, sang me some Johnny Cash, Ring of Fire. And then I left, I didn't want to sleep over it would have been too sad nor did I want to wake up to his apartment empty and boxed - how depressing.

I spoke with him quickly on Saturday evening when he had just turned off the highway and was near his new home. I got off the phone (surprisingly) happy for him.

It's Tuesday, we haven't yet spoken and that's ok.
I miss him, I miss him so much. I'm doing better all together, but I can get upset at any given moment... I don't sleep well.
Each time I shower as I'm scrubbing my shampooed head I break down to tears, I lean against the cool shower tile, and let the hot water run down my body to my feet as I cry. I feel powerless, empty, lost, I feel like my best friend is gone, the most amazing lover is gone; the one person I trusted so dearly and so completely is gone.

I can't thank all of you enough for your kind words, and the time you took to write them, nor can I explain how much it meant to me! A special thanks to a few close blogger friends who went that extra internet mile (you know who you are).

My next post will explain a lot more about Morgan and I, why he moved, how we met and so on... till then folks.