Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Aches of the Heart




I cried, I wept, I sobbed... for what felt like days on end.

On Friday I felt a bit better, I told myself I needed to view this from a different perspective. I needed to look at this optimistically. I realized how excited Morgan was each time I spoke to him (for the few minutes), I realized how he was helping himself by moving, this was good for him.

I'm reluctant to write, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of draining myself - literally (I have either strep or mono - went to the doc today she said it was due to high amounts of stress)....

So when Morgan called my job on Friday, I seemed happy (at least to him), I congratulated him on his new house (something I hadn't done) and he said thank you so much Joey. He apologized and told me he didn't mean to hurt me, that this all came about so quickly.

Where do I start all this - there's a lot most of you are in the dark about - First off - I knew Morgan was looking to move.
I just didn't know he'd really move 3 1/2 hours away, and I didn't know his move would be immediately.

I drove him to work on Friday night (to the Bar - his last night) we talked, but it wasn't the talk we really should of had. But I was ok with that - for now. I told him that I posted about him moving; I told him how you all were so amazingly supportive. He was surprised and impressed, and said just wait till I make my big come-back... lol
I asked him about our toys, he said they were boxed up, I told him he's not allowed to use them with anyone else (maybe this was dumb to say, but I wanted to see his reaction), he replied, "And who in the world would I use them with?"

.... Moving on....

Later, later, later that night (we're talking 2:45am) I went to the Bar - it was his last night there, I had to show. We all hung out, 3 shots of Petrón Tequila later, I took him home. In the car, he held my hand (something he's never really done, except during sex) he kissed me, told me he's never been in this situation. I could have said it then and there, I could have told him I loved him... but he was drunk and it wasn't the right time. We went to his house, I played and kissed The Chocolate Monster (his dog, who I'll miss very much as well), we had sex, during it he told me that this won't end, that in a few weeks I'll come up to see his new place....
Tears fell, but he didn't see, nor did I want him to.

Afterwards the silly drunk man that he was, sang me some Johnny Cash, Ring of Fire. And then I left, I didn't want to sleep over it would have been too sad nor did I want to wake up to his apartment empty and boxed - how depressing.

I spoke with him quickly on Saturday evening when he had just turned off the highway and was near his new home. I got off the phone (surprisingly) happy for him.

It's Tuesday, we haven't yet spoken and that's ok.
I miss him, I miss him so much. I'm doing better all together, but I can get upset at any given moment... I don't sleep well.
Each time I shower as I'm scrubbing my shampooed head I break down to tears, I lean against the cool shower tile, and let the hot water run down my body to my feet as I cry. I feel powerless, empty, lost, I feel like my best friend is gone, the most amazing lover is gone; the one person I trusted so dearly and so completely is gone.

I can't thank all of you enough for your kind words, and the time you took to write them, nor can I explain how much it meant to me! A special thanks to a few close blogger friends who went that extra internet mile (you know who you are).

My next post will explain a lot more about Morgan and I, why he moved, how we met and so on... till then folks.

15 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oodles of Poodles, parti poodles, and many more sizes and colors. We have thirty years of breeding experience. Every puppy is born and raised in our home with loving care! Ask Santa to order your baby in time for Christmas.

9/13/2005 4:34 PM  
Blogger allkindsofstaci said...

Hi Joey,

Despite the 3 1/2 hour distance, I hope things work out for the two of you! :)

Hugs,
Staci

9/13/2005 4:42 PM  
Blogger quanzer said...

Here's hoping that you get better and hopefully get to see him often.

9/13/2005 6:28 PM  
Blogger kelly said...

Ah, changes. Trust me I know about changes. Just so long as you keep posting. I couldn't take that change.

Me

P. S. Turn on word verification on your comments to get rid of that nasty spam.

9/13/2005 6:37 PM  
Blogger Goose and Gander said...

Sounds seriously rough. I hope things even out soon. Try and rest, ok?

9/13/2005 7:53 PM  
Blogger chelsea girl said...

I think you two crazy kids will work it out... one way or another...

We here in cybertown, usa are all behind you, dear Joey Madison.

*kisses*

9/13/2005 9:07 PM  
Blogger Kit said...

Thanks for visiting our site, and good luck with your relationship.

9/14/2005 3:40 AM  
Blogger Arashi-KIshu said...

*cyberhugs*

9/14/2005 6:29 AM  
Blogger Innocuous Male said...

You know we're here for you, if you need anything...

My shoulder's always available, whenever you like...

:-)

9/14/2005 9:59 AM  
Blogger Mermaid Girl said...

Darling Girl,

Thinking of you and sending you happy thoughts.

Love
MG

9/14/2005 10:42 AM  
Blogger Snowman said...

Distance is not the end of everything. Before I moved me and my girl had 7 hours of train between another. we survived that over a year and then I could move closer. Now we only have 1h of travel. We see eachother during the weekends and during the week we both work our asses of :-)
It all depends how much you are willing to sacrifies or as I see it, invest in your future together.

9/14/2005 2:31 PM  
Blogger magdelena said...

Sweetheart, I know this is a heartrending experience yet you are being so brave and generous about his leaving. I know those soapy-shower-head tears well enough to say with conviction that they heal, and they pass. You know where I am. M X

9/14/2005 3:03 PM  
Blogger Oswald Croll said...

Joey,

Hate that your sad..... If I only lived in NYC (I am not saying I don't), I'd pour you a few stiff drinks and take you to see some hot strippers. Oh wait, that might only work on men with broken hearts. Well, the drinks would still help.

XOXO
Os

9/14/2005 3:18 PM  
Blogger straight sambucca said...

I hope it all works out for you, it must be so hard. The object of my affection often talks about leaving, and just the talk is like a knife in my heart! It sounds like you have a strong bond, so fingers crossed. x0x0x0x0x

9/14/2005 6:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Joey,

I know how hard it is as I am going through it with my lover-friend as she now has a bf and leave me for him. We'll get over it one day. Hope sooner than later. Besides, you probably could get back with him.

9/16/2005 4:13 AM  

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