Thursday, August 25, 2005

Once upon a time...Not so long ago

I had a new post up yesterday and then I deleted it - something I've never done. Someone I knew, Nameless, had read it and them im'd me with the following:

Being a submissive is not being a doormat
You have become nothing more than a common receptacle.
Unfortunate, I always assumed you more.
This is merely being someone’s receptacle... Not ever would a true Dom do this to his own.
You are nothing more than boy's meat puppet.
I feel badly for what I thought you were... which is now lost.
You have become unworthy Joey, you allow a boy to spit on you.. in you...
Feeling no pride about yourself
Allowing yourself to be used
That is not Submission.


I felt horrible. Nameless was right. I immediately deleted my post not wanting my readers to lose all respect for me. I begged him to further talk to me, so that I can show him I had not changed and it was still me - the Joey he knows and remembers. I told him he was correct and what I had done was disgusting and sick.
I then spoke to someone else who had said:


Friend: Did you know that there are some Doms that would think that spanking your tits would be way over the line?
JM: Yes
Friend: There are some that think that fisting is way over the line.
JM: I know
Friend: Did you know that there are some Doms that think that swallowing their piss is absolutely necessary?
JM: Ok and?
Friend: And do you know that for all those different types of Doms I just mentioned, there are subs that obey them?
JM: Yes
Friend: Do you think that any one of those Doms/subs are "WRONG" for doing what they do?


Point clearly made - "To each his/her own". People are into different things and if both those people are happy with what they are doing and no one is seriously being hurt then is it wrong, is it sick, is it disgusting?!

Before Nameless had im'd me with his opinion about what I can done, I seriously thought long and hard before posting the story. I wasn't proud of what I had done, I had many mixed feelings about it and now - now I'm quite confused. I feel as though if this never happened to me again I wouldn't miss it, I'd never crave it. This was something I did, something I tried. So is that bad? Am I some crazy, sick person - no I'm not.


So without further ado - here is my deleted post:


*********************************

I met him in our place; he had noted that it was most likely a full moon because it was much brighter outside than usual.

I kneeled before him to show respect and my place, my body there for his inspection. My breasts exposed and presented to him for his use. He touched, bounced, hand-weighed them as he always does. I looked away as I always do.

I stood up as instructed; he unbuttoned my jeans pulled them down, down to my ankles. He went to pull my thong down, I refused, we argued, he let me win - this time.

His finger felt my pussy over my satin thong.
I spread my legs as he told me to, his fingers touching not so rough but not softly either. He continues, a suddenly feel his finger push past my thong, I stand still for him and he begins to explore my cunt with his fingers. I feel somewhat violated, his fingers touching, probing, prodding... He starts to push his fingers in and out of me, then faster. I start to moan but I'm confused, he's actually doing something that makes me feel good? This can't be right. He goes on fingering me, harder and faster, then two fingers... he might have gotten to three at that point I'm not too sure, it felt great. Then his fingers move to that hard nub, he rubs it hard, and rubs it, rubs it, rubs it - my legs are quivering, I'm crying out I can barely stand. I close my legs to stop him, he orders me to keep them spread. He tortures me - rubbing on my clit continuously, it starts to hurt, the feeling is just too much, too intense, too sensitive. I'm begging him to stop, "Shut up Cunt" he replies.
His fingers don't move from my clit and the torture continues. My knees are shaking I can't stand up anymore. More than once I bent over laying my head against his shoulder. He pushes me away tells me to stand up. I fall again resting my head against him; I attempt to kiss his neck -
"Get up" he responds sounding so annoyed with me, pushing me up and off of him with his free hand. He's relentless and mean - he won't stop, it's torture, it hurts it's even starting to feel like it burns. He won't let me touch him - I think I hated him at that moment.
CT would have reveled in it; he would have been beside himself that his sub wanted to kiss his neck and make him feel good as he tortured me. But no - not this one. This one never does anything affectionate - maybe he has a significant other and is afraid of getting feelings for me. Maybe he thinks that possibly feeling my lips in any other place other than his cock is just too much for him.
I guess it's that Pretty Woman/Julia Roberts rule - "No Kissing". Granted the rule has definite meaning... I truly believe that kissing helps in causing feelings. But, c'mon now I'm not looking to make-out with you. Figures, I either find myself with a Dom that's extremely affectionate or with one that's not affectionate at all.

Eventually he stops, and when he tells me to get on my knees I could practically fall to them. We sit quietly for a moment - then I'm told to take his cock out. I enthusiastically suck it, he stands up holds my head and cums on my face, across my cheeks onto my lips and he rubs his cock down the bridge of my nose... He then grabs my hair and dries his cock off with it - I felt like slutty, dirty. He sits back down; I’m before him on my knees with his cum all over my face. He tells me to clean it off... I move closer and suck his cock clean. But he doesn't stop me, so I continue to suck him again. He then tells me to stop and tells me to use my hands.

This is somewhat embarrassing - because I don't use my hands. I've never felt a need for it. I think girls suck at jerking guys off, what’s the point of it if they can do it better themselves?!

Well I honestly (this is even embarrassing to write) really didn't know what to do. He told me to put my hand around it, and rub up and down. I do it, I hated it, I didn't even want to watch myself do it. I kept looking away and he kept telling me to watch... every time I looked away he would move my head down to watch. This didn't go on for so long... partially because I begged to use my mouth, and he let me. Eventually he stood up and fucked my face, fucking it hard holding my head and just slamming his cock in and out of my mouth. Then his cock would push in all the way in to the back of my throat, he'd hold it there I couldn't breathe, he'd choke me with his cock. I would hit his legs with my hands and try to pull away - then pull away coughing or breathing hard taking in air. I like when he does that, I like how he uses my mouth, my throat. I love how it feels when he fucking my face. He pulls away and cums... yet again on my face. I then dry his cock with my hair, suck it clean, and put it away.

I'm going to skip a part of this night - I'll post about it another time it's somewhat too involved to put in here.

He then stands up over me; I'm still on my knees. "Look up at me" I do so. "Open your mouth" I open my mouth... He bends down and motions as though he's going to spit into my mouth. I pull away, he smacks my face... This repeats about another 4 or 5 times... until finally he holds my neck almost choking me I still look away a few times. He's starting to get very angry with me. But I can't imagine him spitting into my mouth - gross!... Again - he takes my head, pulls my head back he tells me to close my eyes, grabs my neck hard, my mouth is open, then I feel his saliva against the roof of my mouth. "Close your mouth and swallow" I swallow his saliva like a shot - straight down my throat I feel more go down that what I had felt on the roof of my mouth. He does it a second time to me, I still resist but not as much as the first time. This time he spits onto my tongue - it felt gross...I swallowed it like a good girl.

He then says he has to pee and asks if I'm going to watch, I shake my head no.
He slaps my face and tells me to watch, I say no. he slaps my face again, "Watch me cunt, I reply no - another slap and then he spits on my face. He continues telling me to watch, only to have me say no, and then spits again - on my cheek. Watch - no - spits again on other cheek, I feel it dripping down... I feel disgusted as he continues to humiliate and degrade me, spitting on my face, I ask and beg him to stop, he ignores me. He repeatedly asks if I’m ready to watch him pee, I say no each time and then get spit on. Then he stops and takes a good look at my face, tells me I look good with his spit all over it. I feel low, and even more humiliated by his comment. He then says I'm taking too long and goes to pee... not very far from me at all. I sit on my knees on the floor with his saliva on my face I look down.
I wonder what he feels like while spitting on me, I wonder if he feels just as dominant as I feel submissive at that moment. Does he enjoy spitting on me like that - does he feel bad for me at all? Does he really like the site of his spit all over my face? Doesn't it look gross? Does he think I’m gross? Does he wonder if I have any respect for him? Either way I'd take him slapping my face and spitting on me anytime over watching him pee.

He sits down in front of me on the bench, "Rub it in". I freeze; I can't possibly rub this in my face. "What are you waiting for?" I start to wipe it off hoping he would think I’m rubbing it in - doesn't work. "I said rub it in bitch not wipe it off". I whimper and then look away from him and I rub his saliva in all over my face. I'm so humiliated this is a worse than having water poured on me. I want to cry... I don't, I won't cry for him. He'd enjoy it too much.

**The following was not in yesterday's post, but should have been:**
After that night, I had asked him to answer the questions that I wondered:
His answers -
I thought it looked beautiful
I look past the surface
I saw a woman on her knees willing to do anything to please me
I was so proud and happy for you
Then I asked him - If he had any respect for me?
His answer -
More than ever.


11 Comments:

Blogger Arashi-KIshu said...

Whoa.

Definitely, to each his own.

I guess you're just exploring your limits, JM. So can always say stop when YOU think its going too far.

8/25/2005 9:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joey...

I have been experimenting with some light bdsm with a friend, and find it fun, although we dont ever let it get "sexual" by that i mean...no sexual contact...we mostly just tie each other up...frisk with cuffs, and play naughty games and such...but no fluid exchange, or loss.
I agree with the other comment. there should be a "safe word" in case it goes too far. I believe the spit was a lil on the extreme side, but you are the one who sets limits. I do nopt believe that you became a "meat puppet" as your friend put it. YOU as the sub, is really always the one in control. reason being...you have all the power by actually giving yourself up to his power.
But...i would highly recommend a safe word in the future...so things dont get out of hand.
good luck to you and further pursuits.

8/25/2005 10:50 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Thanks for the comments.

Anonymous - I think it's great that you are experimenting with light BDSM!!

There was a safe word that we had, I chose not to use it because I didn't think things were out of control and was able to handle it.
But that's my two cents....

8/26/2005 1:00 PM  
Anonymous Sasha said...

nk you'll always have people that don't understand. The same way you or I might not understand a completely vanilla relationship where they only have sex once a month.

I also think exploring is good, and that analyzing how you felt about it all is smart. But the most important thing is, Don't let anyone tell you what is wrong for YOU.

8/27/2005 8:46 AM  
Blogger chelsea girl said...

I once had a lover spit in my mouth. I didn't like him at the time, and I didn't like it. I felt sad and distracted and "what the fuck"ish about it.

I left him.

But if I'd been into him, if I'd trusted him, if I'd believed in our relationship, I would have felt completely differently.

I believe you will do what you want/need/like to do, and if your play with this man has always abided by your rules (he stops when you use the safe word), then you have every right to explore what you want/need/like to explore.

And no one has the right to tell you otherwise.

Nietzche said, "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."

It's your music, baby, dance.

8/28/2005 10:57 AM  
Blogger Hoagie1 said...

WHo has the time to read all that?

8/28/2005 4:45 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Hoagie1 - Who asked you to read all that?!

8/28/2005 7:28 PM  
Blogger Emmanuel.K.Bensah II said...

Joey, it's very powerful stuff...bottom line is never to let anyone dictate to you about how YOU should enjoy your kinks and/or ur love life.

'Tis a shame the guy didn't LISTEN to your remonstrations to NOT subject you to having his spit into your mouth, but as Chelsea suggested, I think, if there had been some emotional attachment, maybe you would have viewed things differently??

My two cents, also, is that you have to SET the pace. Not sure how that works with dom/sub relationship. You've mentioned ur sister before...I'm thinking only and if oinly ur sister knows of this, maybe you could talk to her about it??, and if she doesn't, you could always try the " I have this friend" technique...

The purpose is to see what she thinks about it...and what she can offer by way of input? Maybe a bit of a fantastic idea, but you sound close to her, so I thought it's worth a shot...

I'm sensing that you're upset at that eml--and rightly so, but too often we jump to conclusions over many issues. Your friend should probably have heard you explain from YOUR own mouth.

Even us, your loyal readers, cannot FULLY comprehend all the sub-texts, and whatnot that goes on when you relate these tales to us; it's because they are YOUR experiences, so you can only convey them to us the BEST way u think possible.

FOr me, I'm thinking this is the reason why if you talked to someone close--say your sis--about whatever you feel from this/these episodes, it might help getting that support from her as she pretty much knows you more than ANYONE can ever do...

hope I've made some sense...good luck, Joey!!

8/29/2005 11:04 AM  
Blogger Michael K said...

Joey I haven't read your blog in a while and I've totally missed it!

8/30/2005 1:27 PM  
Blogger Blue Skies from Pain said...

I have time to read all that *grinz*

9/02/2005 2:15 PM  
Blogger Joey said...

Thanks Blue - I'm glad you have the time!!

9/02/2005 8:55 PM  

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