Monday, March 19, 2007

Nothing Like the Real Thing Baby

I've seen Morgan quite a few times in the last few months in which I haven't written. (For tonight I'm going to put the relationship mess to the side.)

When I'm tied up or laid out on his bed... A ball gag might be in between my lips, possibly a blindfold over my eyes... I just want to giggle, often I do giggle. Then I hear his voice, stern - asking me what I find so funny, he'll possibly slap my face. But until he slaps it just hard enough I giggle away. Matter of fact, after he slaps me I still have to make a conscience effort to be serious, quiet and respectful.

When I'm bent over, calling him Sir, I have a smirk on my face. And the worst, when I'm on my knees and he's standing in front of me, my hands are behind my back, my head is lowered. I'm in the one position in which I always feel subservient, submissive, and naturally comfortable. He asks me if I'm going to be a good girl for him, he asks me if I like my collar, he tells me I'm his whore... and during all of this - I'm rolling my eyes and saying "Yes Sir" as best I could with out each of my replies sounding bored, fake - monotone.
(There are times when I've giggled with others, but in those cases - it was that nervous type of giggle, and when I was told to keep quiet, or smacked I knew they meant business)

It's not real with Morgan. It never is real, it never was real. I don't think it will ever be real. I know he's faking it, playing a part. I know because I taught him about D/s. It's one thing - if I "introduced" him to it - but I did that and more.
I know he enjoys it, it's like I've created a monster... it's all he wants to do.

Problem is, I'm turned off by it. He doesn't get it; he doesn't feel the deepness to it. He doesn't realize how natural it is to me... How we're supposed to feed off of each other. But, I don't feel it from him. - To him it's a game, playtime, a sort of extracurricular activity - a hobby.
The more it's become this to him, the less I enjoy it.

And then there's the whole bit in which he enjoys me being the Dom - HAhahhahaha!
We all are well aware, that I completely fake it. That's when I realize how great my acting ability is, and that maybe I should have been an actress.

Next, the relationship mess....

Sunday, March 04, 2007


I haven't been able to write, for a number of reasons...

- I've had writers block, I can't get myself to finish a post and I have so many unfinished posts.

- Someone has found my blog, he told me months ago. It's not the worst thing in the world but it's bothersome. He makes it seem as though it's no big deal- to me it is. He says it's just like reading an autobiography... Well that's easily said, but who reads autobiographies of a person they currently have some sort of friendship with. No less it's not a finished autobiography, it continues daily. So maybe I've stopped it so he can longer read my thoughts, feelings, experiences. Or maybe I just had to wait to come to terms with it.
Who is it? The Suit.

- My job has consumed my life; I need to learn how to make it stop. I do know how to make it stop... I think I sometimes stay at the office till all hours of the night because I really don't have anything else to do. Going home to my empty apartment is sometimes sad. Being that I have a vast amount of work it just poses as an excuse for myself. But don't get me wrong... sometimes it's a necessity to work late.

I've had a lot going on and at the same time I've had a lot of nothing going on.
I don't really feel like writing about these last few months as a review... but what other way is there?

I'll be back to update very soon.