Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Our Reunion

I should be excited; I'm finally going to see him.
I'm partially excited; I'm also feeling reluctant, and solemn.
I find it awkward going there, I'm filled with a million different emotions, I've expressed this to Morgan and he agrees that it is awkward.

Part of me doesn't want to go, part of me wants to never see him again, forget about him, that would be the easy way out of this and I can't do that.

I don't know how to go there.
Do I go there as the best friend?
Do I go there as the wanton goddess?
Do I go there as the slut?
Do I go there as sweet Joey the girlfriend that never happened?
Do I go there as the submissive girl, who learned to trust him with every ounce of trust possible?
Do I go there as the dominatrix who will hurt and punish him for every bit of hurt he caused me?

Those are all me - So I can't pick and choose which part I shall play. Besides, I don't think I'm strong enough to go there as just one. I have to go with all of these personas encompassing me.

So, I'll tour his new home and grounds as his best friend.
I'll eat dinner, chat, and kiss him as sweet Joey.
I'll wear his favorite black sexy boots and the corset he never saw as the wanton sex goddess.
I'll suck his cock as his slut.
I'll lie on his bed tied and blindfolded with all the trust in the world a submissive should have. And I'll tie him, torture him, and spank him as his dominatrix.
And through all of that will my feelings of love for him just grow stronger, will this only hurt me ?????

And what's my mission in all of this?
To have him realize everything he has missed by leaving me?
To win him over and have him drooling and wanting more?
To make him forget about Ms. Thang and realize I'm the one?
Or is it my goodbye, my last time I see him, enjoy our time together, maybe I'll finally come to accept that this might be over.
Or is this the time I tell him I love him - probably not - I don't think he deserves to know.

Maybe I'm hurting myself even more by doing this- going there. Although, I'll never know if I don't go - right? What is there to know at this point?
UGh.... I'm babbling here..
My thoughts are so scattered (as you can see) I can't seem to collect them and figure out what to do with all of them.

I feel as if I need a game plan - what I'm doing, why I'm doing and how I'm doing all of this......

I'll be leaving Saturday.

Monday, November 21, 2005


"Ok Ma..."
"Yea Ma..."
"Why do you say need, has it really come to that point in my life where the word need and boyfriend should be in the same sentence??"
"I don't think so Ma. I'm fine, I'm fine!"
"Joey, listen to me - you have to find a man, a boyfriend, someone to share your life with, someone to have fun with, someone to eventually start a family with."
"Ma, I'm only 26, I'm doing just fine, I'll find someone - I'm not worried."
"Ok Ma..."
"Yea Ma..." (I'm not in the mood to argue with her. We just made up from a 2 week argument. I'm sitting outside my building, it's a pretty day maybe the pleasant weather can keep me somewhat sane with where this conversation is about to go.)
"You have to put yourself out there Joey and date!"
"Mom, I just went on two dates" (Ok so it was only one, but two sounded better. A woman walks by me, she looks at me and smiles at hearing this... I assume she can relate.)
"When did that happen?? How did it go?"
"The other week, and they were pretty bad"
"Well then Miss Joey you need to have four more lined up....Joey you're 26 already...."

I hate these phone calls, sometimes she gets to me, sometimes she doesn't... Today was a mixture, at first she didn't, but then later on in the evening she got to me, it all got to me.

I know I should date more often. I was pretty proud of myself for going on one damn date. It was horrific; it makes me never want to go on another again. A full waste of my evening, I can't even look at it as a free dinner... (I'm just not one of those girls).
It's hard to meet men (at least men that are interested in dating and not just sex), yes I do the whole internet dating thing - god that sucks.

I wish I'd meet someone in a spectacular sort of way. I've always dreamed of literally bumping into him at Grand Central Station. Oh I know - how cliché of me! But I'm a dreamer - and a bit of a romantic (though I barely let it show). Now don't go making fun of me!
Every day I wonder what the future holds for me, I often wish I could peer into a crystal ball and see myself in ten years.... Most people don't want that - I do.

I know I haven't written about Morgan, it's painful to write about him. Forget even writing about him, I can barely watch tv shows that we had watched together, Simpsons and Family Guy are no longer part of my weekly tv shows - they just make me miss him. But we talk very often, still haven't seen each other... I don't want to get into this right now. For some reason my brain led me here to write about it, but I'm now slowly stepping away.

I saw BFWB the other week. He snuck me into the firehouse. Years ago when we were in college he would sneak me into this particular firehouse, it reminded us of those days... Matter of fact, I'll post about our little meeting separately.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

CT's Object

When I got there, I was relaxed not nervous as I usually am. I think he picked up on that, because the minute I stepped into the house he lunged at me, grabbing my throat. He likes to scare me, and he did it well. I stepped back away from him, only to end up against the wall.... my throat held tightly by his large hand, he kisses me. He grabs my hair, pulling at it as he led upstairs to his bedroom.

Once upstairs, I'm (literally) thrown down on the bed, he grabs my throat and chokes me, slaps my face. At this point I'm trembling, and whimpering (and dripping wet). He lies on top of me choking me, watching me trying to gasp for air. He watches with an intensity that scares me, I can't look at him, so I close my eyes and my fists pound against his arms till he finally lets go and allows me to breathe. He softly rubs my cheek, as I'm coughing and trembling, he tells me to calm down, he tells me I'm safe and he won't hurt me - and I know that. I'm still trembling and breathing heavy, trying to calm down - he's never been so rough with me.

He then told me that he was going to use me very roughly, (he's had very bad month, going through lots) and that he's going to take out all his frustrations on me. I was going to be used and humiliated, and made to feel like nothing more than a ragdoll.
He pulls me to him kissing me roughly, he had a 5'oclock shadow and the stubble hurt my face badly. I kept pulling away - he would only pull me back by my hair and continue the rough and sloppy kisses.
He pulls off my shirt and bra up over my head, not concerned at all with his roughness, pulling my hair with it. I cry out, he smacks me.... he pushed me back down on the bed, still holding me by hair, he starts to slap my breasts, he yells at me for not coming to him and serving him sooner, and that I cannot serve him only when it's convenient for me...I apologize and beg him to stop...
He stops, pulls his pants off, and tells me to suck his cock.
I don't crave sucking his cock (as with others I do), it's extremely wide and fat... it's not much fun for me; I really have to work at it. My jaw sometimes starts to hurt and I can't take it down my throat as much as I'd want to. But as told, I slither down to his cock and suck. My head is pushed down further, choking me, gagging me, my eyes water.
I sucked him for quite a while, often pulling away because his cock just hurts my throat and jaw, when doing so he forces me back onto him.

Finally he pushes me off and lies me down. He instructs me to rub my clit, as he gets on his knees above my face and fucks my mouth like a cunt. He's facing my body, watching my fingers play with my clit, his balls on my face... I hate touching myself in front of him, he knows this, I hate this position, and he knows this too... He calls me a slut, whore, bitch... He holds my hand down on my cunt and continues to fuck my mouth while his balls lie on my face, my eyes and nose. I'm humiliated, I wanted him off of me, and I was also beyond dripping wet. He teases me and says, "I know you love this position bitch", “you love performing for your Master"... I hated it even more, crying out throughout sucking his cock and trying to pull my head away - but I just couldn't.
He told me that it's time for my cum feeding and that I'm to swallow all of his cum.... (Truth is - I'm no cum whore, I really don't enjoy swallowing). I fought and fought till he got annoyed stood over me and jerked off above me till he came all over my face, neck, hair.... He then got up, got me a towel and told me to clean myself off.
I cleaned my face off, and neck... I was tired, but horny - so horny.
He lied down next to me and touched my body lightly rubbing his hands over my tits, stomach, thighs.... (This is where he gets all mushy on me) He tells me how special I am, how much he cares for me, and that he truly loves me... I stay quiet and just listen to him.
I'm tired and want to sleep it's prolly about 2 am. He gets up and puts on a movie, I know he wants me to watch it with him but I could care less, I was tired. I end up falling asleep. I'm sleeping lightly (which isn't like me), I can hear the movie in the background and I feel his hand on my body.
I wake up on my stomach with his hands rubbing my back, my ass and down to my legs. I feel that my cunt is still dripping wet, and there's a spot on the bed underneath me... Each time his hand reaches my ass, I raise it up for him presenting it to him, hoping he will touch my cunt, rub my clit... anything!
He lightly touches my cunt... my clit... and drags his wet fingers up over to my ass... where he plays. I hate this, and I quickly drop my ass down... "Be a good girl for me" he says slowly and reluctantly I raise my ass for him.
He's next to me on his side facing me, his arm underneath my head. He touches and plays with my hole... I whimper into him, begging him not to. (I hate it, I always have, and I've never let him go there. But he's always made it clear that one day he will claim my ass). As I quietly begged him not to he said, "Shhh... shhhh... it's time to be a good girl for me, just relax". He began to push his finger in, I cried out, he pushed my head down onto his arm (he had a shirt on) to muffle me.
He fingered my ass, I whimpered and cried when he put a second finger in, he made me keep my ass raised for him and as he fingered my ass. I begged him to stop, told him he was hurting me. But that night he enjoyed hurting and using me, he told me to take the pain, he told me to cry, it will only make his cock harder.

I could have cried, it hurt so badly but I didn't want to give that to him. He wasn't going to get the satisfaction of seeing my tears.... My body trembled and quivered as he kept going, thrusting his fingers harder into me, faster. He kept my head pressed into him as I practically screamed for him to stop.
He tried calming me down, he slowed down, yet kept his fingers in me. He talked softly into my ear, in the smoothest soft voice, telling me to calm down, and relax my body... He moved his arm and laid my head into the pillow; he stroked my hair, and then started pushing his 2 fingers in and out my ass again... Telling me what a good girl I'm being, and how much I'm pleasing him. I lied there with my head in the pillow whimpering for him... I have no idea how long he did that... but it felt like such a long time. After he was done, I turned my body away from him lying on my side with my back to him.... I was partially angry at him... and again felt so used. He rubbed my back, my arms, my legs... his hands still on me... he never stops touching me. Again I fall asleep for a bit....

I wake up cold, the blanket is off of my body completely, I'm on my back and his hand is on my cunt, his mouth on my nipple and he puts another hand over my mouth. "Not a word, cunt".
I close my eyes, and remain quiet; lying there like the object I am for him. He toys with my body, licking my nipples, my breasts, pinching my pussy lips, my clit. I cry out - he smacks my face "I don't want to hear a sound from you."
I turn my head and look away from him...
He slips a finger to my clit, playing with it, rubbing it, I do my very best not to make a sound but its torture, absolute torture! I'm also so very tired and somewhat out of it... I just want to go back to sleep, but he continues with his game. I can't take it much longer and I slip, I moan, a soft quite moan.
He smacks my face, and then he instructs me to lie on my side. He lies down behind me on his side, reaches for my cunt, getting his fingers wet and then rubs them onto my ass hole....

I begin to tremble, I'm afraid to beg him not to do this, I'm afraid to stay quiet
He pushes one in... I lie there silent....
Then he places his cock against me
He moves his arm underneath my head and places his hand over my mouth. To be honest, at this point I'm scared to death - I hate anal, I fear it, it hurts me unbelievably.

His cock is still up against my hole, he hasn't pushed in. I can't understand what I did so wrong to deserve this tonight. He slowly starts to push in I scream out but his hand muffles me, I'm shaking, crying, he pushes more....

He then stops, and lies in that position with me for a few minutes. I don't dare try to say anything; the room is quiet except for my cries. He then tells me that I am to fall asleep in this position. He promises not to push any further. I can't believe he wants me to fall asleep like this - I think it's impossible.

His cock head is pushed into me somewhat, it's stretching me and hurting. His arm is still around my neck with his hand over my mouth. I lie there crying, he strokes my forehead and temple... I end up falling asleep.

I wake up close to 6, his cock is out of my ass and I'm sore. I rush to get home before anyone wakes up and notices sweet Joey missing from bed.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Train Thoughts

So many men take my train, most are married. I wonder how many cheat, how many are faithful and are in healthy, happy marriage. How many wish have affairs, or online affairs. I'm always so interested in married men, what makes them want to cheat or stay faithful, women as well - but men just appeal to me more ;)
I sometimes think that I'm so attracted and fascinated with all this because maybe I'm afraid that my (future) husband might stray... Moving along...

Sometimes I spot a man or two that appeal to me; I picture myself on my knees blowing him. I keep glancing over at one right now; he's not very handsome - but something about him. He's older than I (of coarse) prolly 40-something. I wonder how he'd respond while I suck on his cock. Would he hold a fistful of my hair or would he pet my head and say "good girl"? Or maybe he'd just lie back and enjoy it, moaning softly.

Tonight I have to admit my cleavage looks delicious (I love how they bounce as the train rides over bumps). Blowjob guy glanced over at me (and them) when he boarded the train - but didn't sit next to me. Men usually don't sit next to me (I have no idea why?!). But, tonight there's a man next to me - though there is an empty seat between us. He 40ish as well, kind of short, pudgy, wearing a horrible outfit (I won't waste my time describing it) a beard cut short, somewhat balding, and he has dark circles around his eyes. I wonder how he fucks a woman. I wonder if he's has sex often, hmmm no ring. He's glanced over at my cleavage a few times now, but he's careful (aka - he thinks I didn't know -we always know). I have an urge to slip him a note: "What's your favorite position?"
HA - I would love to see his reaction, that would be great, but I'm too much of a chicken to do such a thing.

I'm in the mood tonight - maybe I'll call BFWB, he's always a sure thing when it comes to blowjobs (unless he's working). Hmmm... Let’s make a call....
Damn got his voicemail - can't even leave a raunchy message being that I'm here on the train. I'll text him: "Is your cock available tonight, because my mouth is."
Let's see if he calls.

It's now about 12am... he didn't call back, which most likely means he's working tonight. This also means - no cock for me to suck tonight.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Cravings, Kisses, Bonds, Blindfolds

I miss the bonds, the red bungee stretchy material we used; wrapped around my wrists, over my thighs and pulled across my cunt tight enough that it teased my clit, up over my shoulders where the straps crossed paths behind my neck and back down to my breasts, each one wrapped causing them to balloon out, then the material brought up around my neck and knotted. His hand pulling at my hair or taking mine leading me wherever he chooses - be it the bed or the floor. The soft silk scarf used as our blindfold over my eyes - seeing nothing but darkness - only hearing his words, feeling his breath against my skin.

I miss laying him down on the bed, taking time in choosing my method of tying him with the red cloth around his ankles, wrists and neck. Binding his cock slowly, carefully with black electrical tape. Then having my way with his beautiful body laid out for my use.
My kisses falling down his neck to his chest, licking, nibbling his nipples. Running my tongue over his balls, up over the tape till I reach the smooth, hard head in my mouth, sucking on it hungrily. Tasting drops of pre-cum, hearing him softly breathe as I explored more of him.
Teasing him - letting him lick my juices off of my lips and tongue, finally putting my pussy up to his mouth presenting to him more of what he craves.

I miss his kisses, and our long make-outs, the warmth of his lips against mine (it's been so long). I miss him kissing my face, my cheeks, and my nose causing me to giggle. Running my hands through his hair, pulling him closer to me. His cock against my pussy, spreading my legs for him as he slowly thrusts into me.

Our bonds, blindfolds, kisses, his hands, his body, our chemistry.
I miss it all, I crave it deeply.