Monday, September 26, 2005

Seven Things

7 Things to do before I die:
1. Learn to fly a plane & obtain my pilots license.
2. Marry a man who knows me completely
3. Open a bar/restaurant with my sister
4. Vacation in Alaska
5. See the world's rainforests
6. OPEN - With many years ahead of me, I'll obtain more life goals on my way!
7. OPEN - With many years ahead of me, I'll obtain more life goals on my way!

7 Things I can do:
1. Sing
2. Trip and fall at least once a week
3. Run through Grand Central in heels without falling
4. Walk down the street with the utmost confidence
5. Burp like a man
6. Exist as a goddess on my knees
7. Eat with Chopsticks like an expert, even though I don't
particularly like Chinese food

7 Things I can't do:
1. Imagine life without my sister
2. Give a Hand Job
3. Manage Money
4. Mathematics
5. Write in script
6. Roll my "R's"
7. Embrace Change

7 Things that attract me to a man:
1. Humor
2. Strength (in character)
3. Confidence
4. Trustworthy
5. A deep/husky voice
6. A great back
7. Well taken care of teeth

7 Things I say most often:
1. AM/PM (Whenever I say what time it is, it's always followed by am/pm)
2. Not so much
3. Dang! (Napoleon Style)
4. Goddamit
5. FUCK!
6. Dickwad
7. The Fam (in regards to my family)

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Marilyn Monroe
2. Nicolas Cage
3. James Spader (in the Secretary)
4. Colin Firth
5. Matthew Fox
6. Luke Wilson
7. Richard Gere

7 people I'd like to do this list: (assuming they have the inclination and the time).
4. Everyone else had done it

Friday, September 23, 2005

How it Came to be - Part II

The Downward Spiral...
Initially, I thought it was bullshit - pure bullshit - how could he feel like this and why?! Things were bad between them, and he had been cheating on her (with me) for a little over a year now. Nevertheless, I started to realize Morgan loved Q; the loss of her, his best friend, the person he was closest to ever in his life was gone, and her family was gone as well - it hit him hard. In his time of need his closest friends all took a step back and decided to wait it out (so to speak). He still went out here and there so that he'd fool us.... but slowly throughout the next six months Morgan became progressively worse.
When he quit his band, it hit me how absolutely depressed he was - for someone to stop doing what they love - their passion, is a very grave moment.

His life became pretty mundane and routine. The only thing he enjoyed was his job, The Chocolate Monster (his puppy), and prolly the time spent with me. Our weeks would consist of Monday - Thursday: Work and then out with guys from work for about an hour or so, they'd go to the bar for a couple of drinks. By time I got home, Morgan was home and on most nights I would go over to his place (by the way he moved out of first floor of the house he and Q occupied to something much worse, dark, dank - we called it the dungeon). We'd talk a lot, watch some DVD's of the Simpsons, or Family Guy (he had no cable and didn't care to get it), massage each other, and sometimes have sex. Friday's: he'd work, then work at the Bar, I'd go hang out and later end up at his place - often sleeping over. Weekends: Saturdays nights were spent together almost always. We'd rent a movie and then progressively (as you've read) our sex life became very experimental and exciting, and we called Saturday nights - "Our crazy Saturdays". Sunday evenings were spent together as well.
Morgan had set-backs; he had a lot of unresolved issues with Q in the beginning. From them living together and separating objects (it was like a divorce), to her friends (guys) getting involved and some pretty immature "shit went down" including fighting and you pretty much just had to keep and eye on you're back.
He was a rollercoaster - but I expected that through the year. He would get sad and depressed. Some nights I'd go over when he was like this, we'd have long conversations or just watch tv - but no matter what we did, he'd feel better when it was time for me to go. And other nights he didn't want to see anyone, including me.

Rock Bottom
About 6 months ago, he stopped calling me, didn't return my calls or take them when I called his job and his cell was turned off at about 6/7 p.m. Something was very wrong, I'd drive by his house every night after that gym to make sure that at least he was home, he always was. But I wouldn't let him get away with whatever he was pulling off... so I showed up at his house early one day, and just kept banging on the door till he answered. It was worst I had ever seen him; he looked horrible, and sick. I yelled at him, asked him what the hell was going on, he told me he had to stop doing everything and just go to bed early - I didn't understand...
Morgan was doing drugs - and I'm talking more than a little weed here and there - but I had no idea. He was doing coke, not often but often enough that it had scared him. He decided to detox himself, hence him going home and straight to bed each night. He told me that he wasn't going to be around for a while, that he needs to do this. I yelled at him, I screamed, I cried, I felt so dumb and naive that I didn't notice all this, I felt that he was gone.... he hit rock bottom and there was nothing at all I could do to help him - I was useless. Before I left, I had calmed myself down and told him that if there was anything he needed at all, at anytime, to just call me and I'll always be there for him. I got into my car and felt awful, seriously am I THAT naive not to see this??!! Oh gosh, I cried all the way, I cried into my sisters arms that night, I cried the next two weeks for there was nothing in the world I could do for him anymore.
Morgan called me about two weeks later, he wanted to talk. To make this somewhat shorter Morgan decided that if he couldn't do this by himself then he had already visited a Rehab in which he would check himself into...

A Ray of Light
Morgan cleaned himself up, he stopped associating with the wrong people. He even saw a doctor so that he had someone to talk to and help him with his depression....
Then our crazy summer began. Throughout the summer we became closer than ever and I started to realize my deep feelings for him.
When we had our talk about being exclusive it also included a lot about him going out again and moving and he said I deserved more and that he wanted to make me happy. It made me so happy just to hear all that, if finally seemed as though the depression and shock and heartache were all passing.

The Conclusion
So that's pretty much the story of Morgan and me. Many parts were left out; such as the time he went upstate, didn't come home when he was supposed to, cell was off and I was left to calling hospitals looking for him. I left out the many times he thanked me for being an amazing friend and sticking around. He told me numerous times how much he appreciated everything I had done. I left out the time (very early on) when he started hanging out with some other girl and I suddenly got left behind - he stopped seeing her right away when he noticed that it hurt me. I left out the part, when very, very recently he came home from being upstate (before he moved up there) with a brochure for a Rodeo that we would go to. I was ecstatic!! I wanted to jump on the bed, I was so happy. I had never told him that I always wanted to go to a rodeo, but he knew - because he knows me and he listens.

Life with Morgan these last few years has had so many ups and downs, just when I thought we made it and the ride has come to an end, it suddenly dropped.

Since he's moved we've spoken three times. Once 2 weeks ago, once last week, and yesterday. During our first conversation he told me all about his new house and his new job and how happy he is. A week later he called me and we caught up on what's been going on, well he did most of the talking. Lately he's a bit consumed with himself and I can't really get much of a word in. It's ok because it's all so new to him but it was annoying as well. He asked me when I was going up to see him - I replied, when are you having me. We decided in a few weeks.

Last night was a breakthrough. He sincerely apologized for how he went about the whole moving thing in the wrong way. He said that this was the best thing he could have ever done for himself, but at the same time he realized that I got the shit end of the deal. He asked me how I was doing, I told him it was hard without him home, I told him how getting home from work and not speaking to him and seeing him every night was a huge change and hard to deal with at first... He told me that things have calmed down he's going to change that (well not the seeing part so much) but he misses me and wants to talk more often. We tried to figure out when I was going to see him... he also told me he might be back down on Saturday (I played a little hard to get) and told him I might be away on Sat. Over the next few day's we are going to plan my visit up there. I'm a little reluctant to go, like I'd be hurting myself over again by spending a weekend with him, sleeping with him and all that. But I need to see him, I miss him dearly. We talked for while last night - he joked about me going up there on weekends - I told him yea right. He mentioned something about us, about what we were... whatever that was... it's sort of confusing to write about - but I'm sure when I see him, we'll have that talk that we've all been waiting for. He told me that he missed me, I said the same.
Anyway it was great to talk to him last night; it felt like he was still 6 minutes away from me...

A friend of mine has told me for years that I forgive too easily - maybe I do... It's a lesson I'll learn I guess.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

How It Came To Be - Part I

The Teenage Years
I've known Morgan since I was about 12/13ish.

He lived with my friend's family - her older brother and Morgan sometimes drove us to school. Lol... If you ever ask Morgan - he would tell you about the Hello Kitty perfume I had worn and how it was unbearable (at least to them). I get so embarrassed when he tells the story, I just bury my face in my hands and beg him to stop, he laughs at me and goes on telling the story. Anyway... I didn't know him consecutively through the years, in high school we didn't know each other very well and he never seemed to be at my friend’s house when I was there.

Our Reason
Years later (I was prolly about 19ish) we happened to work at the same Restaurant together. I had absolutely no interest in him - YUCK! He was grungy and had kind of long greasy looking hair. We became friends and would often go out after work with the other servers, or we'd all go see his band play - we had lots of crazy fun nights! While working at the Restaurant together he and a friend of his C.C. would torture me! They’d play pranks on me, constantly, and consistently throughout the nights - it started to disrupt our work and I began to hate them. Eventually we started bickering and the manager had to separate us all during any shifts - it got so bad that I stopped talking and going out with them (PS - He loves to tell those stories as well - but I have to give it to them - they pulled some nice ones on me). Ultimately the pranks stopped, Morgan and C.C. apologized and again we were all friends. We worked together for two years at the Restaurant - two very fun years. But, all waitressing jobs come to an end, I eventually stopped working at the Restaurant and lost touch with Morgan.

The Catch-Up
Years later, and low on cash I went back to the Restaurant to work. It was December and the annual Christmas Party was taking place at one of the Restaurants other locations (No, this was not a chain - I won't work for chains). At the party I ran into Morgan and we were both so happy to see each other. He still worked for the Restaurant and was now bartending at this location (as in my previous posts - the Bar). His long-term girlfriend, Q, was with him that night - he introduced us. Here and there during the night we talked, but then later that evening we ran into each other near the rest rooms (towards the back of the restaurant) - so we caught up some more. Q had a conniption fit, started crying and walked out - Oy Vey!
Later that evening a friend of ours was driving me home from the party, his cell rang - it was Morgan - Q kicked him out of the car and he was stranded. This was all due to him catching up with an old friend (me).

From that night on Morgan and I became good friends. I began to go to the bar with friends on the nights he worked, afterwards the whole lot of us would go out, sometimes Q came along and sometimes she didn't. Sometimes Q was nice to me, and sometimes she wasn't - whatever!
Morgan and Q were dating for years, they lived together as well. Morgan loved Q, her family had become his - which was a big deal. You see Morgan doesn't speak to his family, at about 13/14 he emancipated himself and went on to live with my friend's family. Morgan only speaks to very, very few family members and hasn't spoken to his parents nor siblings for countless years now. Q' s family had become Morgan's family.

The Re-Newed Friendship
Morgan and I starting hanging out, outside of the Bar and Restaurant. We would go to the local hole-in-the-wall have some beer and watch some games, later on his friends would meet up with us (and sometimes Q as well) and I began to go to his house more often (no, Q was not there then). My roommate (at the time) joined Morgan's band, so I began to see even more of him. We grew close, and began confiding in each other.

Obviously him and Q weren't doing so well. I knew it - he knew it, this went on for about a year plus some. He never really confided in me with what was going on with him and Q, but he wasn't happy nor was she....

Then one afternoon we kissed, and I never ever, ever -evereverever- imagined he would kiss as he did - so sweet, so soft, so yummy! Things moved along.... For a long time I was quite uncomfortable (self consciously) with Morgan. I wanted to be - but I couldn't, he noticed something wasn't right, got me to talk about it... Morgan told me that whatever bothered me, ever - I simply needed to tell him and talk about it, there's no reason to let is fester. He also wanted to be honest with each other (we were in a weird situation). I had never met a guy who wanted that, I thought it to be so healthy.

That year we became the definition of friends with benefits. During this whole time Morgan and Q were still together but they spent less and less time together. Then she moved out, they broke up. I can't even begin to describe what Morgan went through. He was miserable, depressed, saddened, lost, etc...
He was a mess but hid it well at first. Little by little he stopped going out, he'd work at the Bar, and go home. I'd go out with the others and later end up at his house.

to be continued...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

NC or Bust!

I'm off on a little business trip to North Carolina.
I'm traveling alone so I'm sure I'll have time to write, but hopefully I'll have some access to a computer so that I can post and catch everyone up on what's been going on with Morgan.

Off to the airport.... wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

Saturday, September 17, 2005

HA! Just my luck

First off, I understand your feelings of guilt... It's only natural.

But - -
You don’t establish a relationship of this type while not being 100% sure about it.
I began to open up, I trusted more.
I trusted your judgment, your guidance, your hand...
You wanted to mold me, you were molding me...

But go, that's just fine.

TYD has decided that he's feeling too guilty (has a gf) and no longer wants to continue our - whatever it was.
Amazing! Right? I'm not particularly upset or sad about this, I'm angry - and ok little bit upset.

So if bad things happen in 3's - What could possibly be Number 3?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Perfect Storm

It's raining.... It hasn't rained since Morgan left.

It's pouring without the thunder, without the lighting. It's the rainstorm we waited for all summer (how ironic), the rainstorm in which he had the spot picked out... In some cozy, secluded area where we would have deliciously enraptured each other.

I imagine our bodies wet and slick, the rain drops falling onto my face and eyelids, down my cheeks, my hair wet, my fingers sliding down his slick back. His cock sliding in and out... the smell of wet grass, the smell of rain. The sounds around us, my soft whimpers, the quiet noises he makes that I can never even try to describe - and the rain... our two bodies entwined and the rain.

This storm is killing me... I must go out... I just have to go into the rain...



I threw my skirt on, pulled my hair down out of its ponytail, and ran out of my building into the rain. It was pouring, I was drenched in seconds, I ran down the block, and ran, and ran and the tears ran down my face...

I pulled myself together realizing, it's dark and pouring and what the hell am I doing?!! I walked back to my building, up to my apartment... threw my wet clothes off, put on a big cozy heavy robe to dry me off, and then 7 minutes later realized what the hell am I doing it's too hot and humid for this robe!!

Anyway, I felt the need to write to get it out... it makes me feel better.

On a completely different note:
Do any of you actually print out your blog? I know a major reason for having a blog is so that no-one can find it; find out it's yours and so on. But I have this major fear that all of my posts will disappear. That Blogger will somehow lose my blog and my posts, my words will be gone, lost on the information highway somewhere. I've been thinking about printing out my blog and keeping it in a safety deposit box. Your thoughts???

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Aches of the Heart

I cried, I wept, I sobbed... for what felt like days on end.

On Friday I felt a bit better, I told myself I needed to view this from a different perspective. I needed to look at this optimistically. I realized how excited Morgan was each time I spoke to him (for the few minutes), I realized how he was helping himself by moving, this was good for him.

I'm reluctant to write, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of draining myself - literally (I have either strep or mono - went to the doc today she said it was due to high amounts of stress)....

So when Morgan called my job on Friday, I seemed happy (at least to him), I congratulated him on his new house (something I hadn't done) and he said thank you so much Joey. He apologized and told me he didn't mean to hurt me, that this all came about so quickly.

Where do I start all this - there's a lot most of you are in the dark about - First off - I knew Morgan was looking to move.
I just didn't know he'd really move 3 1/2 hours away, and I didn't know his move would be immediately.

I drove him to work on Friday night (to the Bar - his last night) we talked, but it wasn't the talk we really should of had. But I was ok with that - for now. I told him that I posted about him moving; I told him how you all were so amazingly supportive. He was surprised and impressed, and said just wait till I make my big come-back... lol
I asked him about our toys, he said they were boxed up, I told him he's not allowed to use them with anyone else (maybe this was dumb to say, but I wanted to see his reaction), he replied, "And who in the world would I use them with?"

.... Moving on....

Later, later, later that night (we're talking 2:45am) I went to the Bar - it was his last night there, I had to show. We all hung out, 3 shots of Petrón Tequila later, I took him home. In the car, he held my hand (something he's never really done, except during sex) he kissed me, told me he's never been in this situation. I could have said it then and there, I could have told him I loved him... but he was drunk and it wasn't the right time. We went to his house, I played and kissed The Chocolate Monster (his dog, who I'll miss very much as well), we had sex, during it he told me that this won't end, that in a few weeks I'll come up to see his new place....
Tears fell, but he didn't see, nor did I want him to.

Afterwards the silly drunk man that he was, sang me some Johnny Cash, Ring of Fire. And then I left, I didn't want to sleep over it would have been too sad nor did I want to wake up to his apartment empty and boxed - how depressing.

I spoke with him quickly on Saturday evening when he had just turned off the highway and was near his new home. I got off the phone (surprisingly) happy for him.

It's Tuesday, we haven't yet spoken and that's ok.
I miss him, I miss him so much. I'm doing better all together, but I can get upset at any given moment... I don't sleep well.
Each time I shower as I'm scrubbing my shampooed head I break down to tears, I lean against the cool shower tile, and let the hot water run down my body to my feet as I cry. I feel powerless, empty, lost, I feel like my best friend is gone, the most amazing lover is gone; the one person I trusted so dearly and so completely is gone.

I can't thank all of you enough for your kind words, and the time you took to write them, nor can I explain how much it meant to me! A special thanks to a few close blogger friends who went that extra internet mile (you know who you are).

My next post will explain a lot more about Morgan and I, why he moved, how we met and so on... till then folks.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Too far from me

I'm a little hesitant to post - because I don't know the whole deal with what is going on - so this is all mostly on my own speculation.

Morgan is leaving.

He is moving - away, far away.
Too far for me to see him each night. Too far for me to run to when I'm having an awful day and need him to hold me. Too far for me to run to when I'm having a great day and want to share it with him.
Too far from me.

I haven't officially spoken to him about everything yet - but I know he signed on a house too far from me. I know he quit his jobs. I know his current apartment is paid for till November, and then he'll be leaving - who knows maybe he'll be leaving before that.


I love him, I love Morgan.
Why the hell is he breaking my heart?! Why is he hurting me like this??
Why the hell did he want to be "exclusive" if he was only going to leave me. Why did he tell me so many things we were going to do together if he was only going to move too far from me???

I don't want to hear the "It'll be ok's" or the "It'll work out in the end" or the "If you two are meant to be then you'll end up together" or the "If you love it let it free - blah, blah, blah".
I never had such a good relationship with someone before. Amazingly I never wanted to change him (I always want to change something about a guy when I'm with him); he was just perfect as is. I was never so open with someone before, I trust him 100 percent (again - I never fully trusted anyone). He handles me well, he reads me well, he knows my every mood, and he knows just what to do when I'm sad, hurt, angry...(No-one else knew that). Sexually - well I don't even need to tell any of you about that, our sex life is AMAZING.

I want him; I don't want him to leave me. I can't lose my best friend like this, but I think it's inevitable.

So who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?

Well last night I called BFWB, prolly the only other person who knows me like a book. He knew something was wrong... We met up outside somewhere, I sat on my car and we talked. We only talked about Morgan for a few minutes, other than that he told me stories about work, and friends and made me laugh and forget about Morgan for about an hour or two...

Then back home I went - to only then find out that Morgan signed on the house.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Katrina, what have you done.

My hopes and prayers go out the countless number of people who have been affected and effected by Hurrican Katrina. Words can never describe what has taken place.

To my readers -
Brad in Mississippi, Noone in Louisiana, Scary-Red Head in Fl, and all the others, I hope your well.

To help out please visit:
  • Red Cross
  • Network for Good
  • Feed the Children
  • The Florida Hurricane Relief Fund
  • America's Second Harvest
  • The Salvation Army

  • This CNN Site has links for the following:
    How to Get Help, Locate the Missing, Donate & Volunteer,and Find Local Information.


    Lost and then Found

    Lost then found
    It was sensual and sweet, soft.
    He touched me, filled me.

    I lay beneath him, my hands gripping his back, his shoulders. My nails lightly digging into him when he pushes further in. My legs wrapped around him, his chest pressing into me. His breath heavy and warm along my neck.

    He's quiet when he's inside me, he doesn't moan, he doesn’t grunt, he tells me how amazing I feel. I open my mouth onto his shoulder and lightly suck it, slowly closing my lips and ending with a kiss, I reach for his neck, kissing his soft skin. I reach for any part of him that is close enough to my hungry mouth.

    Moaning softly, I can't help myself. I love how his cock fits so perfectly into me.
    We haven't had this; we haven't done this in so long. I thought it was lost - picked up and thrown around in the whirlwind experimenting with BDSM - landed under or behind the couch somewhere, where things remain in a state of lost.

    But no, I was wrong, it's right here between us, within us. In our groping hands, in our clutch onto each other, in our breath, in our delicious kisses, and maybe somewhere in our hearts.